How to help people change

~ Michael Kinnaird ~ Leave a comment

Jennifer writes…

“I’ve been spreading the word about Happy Guide but people have to ‘get it’ or want to change.

Funny thing is some people look at me and say ‘You read this guy’s book and now you’re enlightened?’ Or ‘It’s all just common sense’… Well if it’s all just common sense, why are all the people with common sense not happier and healthier?

I’ll keep spruiking it though… even if it’s what I suspect, that a lot of people know it all deep down, they need to read it and have a light bulb go off… they need to keep reading it when they have off days, just a reminder.

The other argument people bring up when I am animatedly speaking of Happy Guide is that ‘it’s all well and good for the likes of you, you’re young, no ties or responsibilities, you can do what you like and swan around taking care of yourself, I haven’t got the time!’

Well I take offense to that! I am young, I don’t have too many ties and I don’t have children but I do have a life!! I have choices and the courage to make positive ones… we all have choices and they just need to see that they can make them!

Why is it when we stop and take care of ourselves the most part of the population accuses us of being selfish?

I don’t get it, do they realize that stress, poor health leads to illness, which in turn leads to an early death? (I, in fact, don’t have time to die!) Where are their kids, their ‘responsibilities’ going to be then? Up Shit Creek in a barbed wire canoe without a paddle…. well hopefully they have a good grasp of Happy Guide and it won’t make much difference!!

That’s my rant for today! Keep up the good work! :)”

Yesterday I spent nearly all day talking a woman around who spent 24 years obsessing about one wrong idea. She’s built it up so much that it totally dominates her life. And she’s by no means alone. OCD is rife… Continue reading “How to help people change” →

Can’t stop thinking

~ Michael Kinnaird ~ 8 Comments

Please Help asks…

“The thought is a very silly one, and what’s worse is I know that it isn’t true, but it still pops up! (As I was typing this, for example, ‘How do you know it isn’t true’ popped up, but I just ignored it.) The last two weeks have been very good, and I haven’t had any issues with the thought because I’ve been distracted with school (a sign that the thought is definitely losing some of it’s hold over me, as earlier this term even school couldn’t distract me from it.)

However it’s now the holidays and I have very important exams coming up, and I’m worried about being on my own and stuck in the house for so long because when I’m on my own the thought does tend to pop up and I can’t shake it, and this in turn stops me from being able to revise which makes me even more stressed and so makes the thought and the anxiety worse…

Should I just continue on with trying to revise and try and ignore the thought if this happens? Or should I just ignore the worry that this might happen in the first place? (I’m such an over-thinker haha!)

It also seems that everything I think about seems to link back to the thought, so should I just ignore this thought & go back to what I was thinking before? Or should I just focus on something else and not go back to what I was thinking over before the thought popped up?

It still seems wrong to ignore the thought, and that I must worry about it. I think this feeling about having to worry about everything stems from a health problem I had last year that was very uncomfortable, and no one seemed to know what was causing it so I spent a lot of time on the internet trying to find out what it was.

It was only in September this year that I saw a specialist, but the worry of the health problem seemed insignificant to the new intrusive thought. At the time of this health problem I would be constantly thinking that I just HAD to find out what this problem was because then I’d find the solution and everything would be ok. This is very similar to how I felt about the intrusive thought (before I discovered your website) so I think I ingrained the feeling that I had to worry about everything and that I had to find an answer from spending so long worrying about this health problem, if you see what I mean. I’m sorry this is so complex!

I suppose I should tell you that my fear is what if I’m a lesbian (I have absolutely no issues with other people being gay, it just isn’t what I want personally to be) I know know know that I’m not, but this silly thought keeps popping up, when I see a pretty girl it’s ‘oh do you fancy her?’ when I see a handsome boy it’s ‘oh are you sure you find him attractive, what if you’re lying to yourself?’ and then if I don’t react in a certain way to seeing an attractive boy, then the thought starts to pop up like crazy and I find myself following it through and trying to reason with it. It has just manifested itself into every area of my life, if I listen to music and the lyrics are about being in love it pops up saying ‘would you be singing this to a girl?’

I’m also applying to university at the moment and people say that where you discover yourself so now I’m worried that I’m going to discover I’m a lesbian there, which makes me not want to go when I used to be so excited for uni. I used to spend all my time fantasizing about boys (sad I know haha!) but now whenever I do the thought comes up ‘you don’t want this’ or I don’t get that excited feeling, because I want to feel it so of course I won’t.

The thing is the thought just doesn’t feel like a part of me, it seems like it’s coming from elsewhere! Sometimes I get these awful images too, but I just try to ignore them. It’s all just so complex. I’ve looked on some OCD boards but they just depress me as they say you need therapy and to go on meds but it’s such an awkward problem to explain to my parents and/or doctor as it can be taken the wrong way! I read that you need to face your fear, so do you think I should do this? Or just continue to ignore the thought? I read some success stories and some people have said that they just ignored it and eventually it went, so should I just continue on with ignoring it? And is it normal to sometimes have some relapses where you follow the thought through without thinking and get anxious?

Thank you so much for replying, and I’m sorry this is so long! You and your website have been such a help to me!”

 

adult architecture blonde casual
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Hi Please Help,

“The thought is a very silly one, and what’s worse is I know that it isn’t true, but it still pops up! (As I was typing this, for example, ‘How do you know it isn’t true’ popped up, but I just ignored it.)”

Yes, so what you can learn from that is that your mind does not produce true thoughts, but operates on how you felt when you had a certain thought, on instinct, or gives you the same quality you attached previously… Continue reading “Can’t stop thinking” →

Irrational fear of zombies and other fictitious horrors

~ Michael Kinnaird ~ 17 Comments

Rebecca asks…

“Can you help, I’m 20 and ever since I was 16 and watched Nightmare on Elm Street for my high school exams, I constantly think Freddie Krueger will come for me. There’s no pattern and thoughts just appear — I try to distract myself but I end up in one room of my house on my own with my son too scared to move.

Doctors won’t help; they just keep saying it will go with time, but it’s not going. Please help if you can — I can’t live any more days in fear.”

There are lions

The way your mind reacts to danger is primitive… that’s important to understand. So when you get immersed into a scary movie and imagine yourself as a victim of Freddie, your mind reacts in a way to protect you as if the danger was real — like if you saw a lion in real life. The more immersed into the movie you get, the more you suspend reality, the greater the response… Continue reading “Irrational fear of zombies and other fictitious horrors” →

Weird thought about my girlfriend

~ Michael Kinnaird ~ 17 Comments

Jamie asks…

“I’ve been suffering from a suspicious nature for many years, not trusting people etc. This problem has given me so many problems in life and it’s still giving me problems. A few days back a weird thought came into my mind about my girlfriend, that she was lying to me about something, or more like hiding something and I started thinking about it and this started to grow in my mind.

Then I contacted James, he helped me to remove attention from it. Somehow I asked my girlfriend about it and she was angry and told me it was just a silly thought.

I know she was speaking the truth but somehow I wasn’t able to trust her I don’t know why, despite the fact that trust is the most important factor in relationship. She loves me a lot, and I also love her but whenever this thought comes to my mind I get in a bad mood and start to repeat ‘don’t focus on ideas you don’t want’ in my mind and starts to feel good but still focus remains there somehow, on the weird thought. Could you help me to solve this thing Mike?”

woman and man sitting on brown wooden bench
Photo by Vera Arsic on Pexels.com

Deconstruct belief to let go

Do you fully know that this is just a silly thought? Or are you still questioning its truth? Attention is the volume control for thoughts, so if you consistently remove attention as James said, it would die away and stop coming. But if you believe it’s true or question its truth or meaning, give it importance then that is attention. Attention with meaning ramps ups a thought’s volume very quickly… Continue reading “Weird thought about my girlfriend” →

How to start meditating

~ Michael Kinnaird ~ 14 Comments
© Buck82

Meditation is about returning to a natural state of being and a peaceful state of mind. It’s about being yourself, essentially. It’s a very simple thing too, with incredible power when practiced consistently. It’s about choosing attention and being aware, and the simple practice centers you in your true self so that you don’t get lost in habitual mind-chatter and identification with thoughts.

There’s lots of different methods for meditation but the one I recommend is to “listen.”

How to do it

All you do is listen intensely for the next thought to pop, that’s all. Try it now for 10 seconds and you’ll see that with enough intensity of focus, thoughts stop.

The reason this is the best is…

  • It’s utterly simple.
  • You can do it anytime, anywhere, as a sit-down practice or using all the in-between moments.
  • It works, even when the mind is very stormy or anxious.
  • It’s a tiny shift from “listening,” which is something you do, to “being,” what you are.
Continue reading “How to start meditating” →

How to overcome an addiction to negative thinking

~ Michael Kinnaird ~ 26 Comments

Peter asks…

“Almost all my life I’ve been addicted to negative thinking and I’ve been diagnosed with the possibility of OCD. I have a few problems that I’m working on — the most annoying is this one:

My mind somehow got in the habit of bringing back experiences that I hate from the past, and attaching them to the things or activities that I do like — it sounds weird but I’ll give an example:

If I’m cutting some paper — some decoration, and I hear a name of someone that I hate on the radio, my mind digs the old bad experiences up — and tries to attach it to the cutting. So next time when I do a similar cutting, my mind will probably pick that emotion and I will go through it again.

I’m trying to manage this by focusing on something else. But the problem is that when I try to hide that memory which was just brought to me, I can’t simply think of something positive, because I’m afraid the bad memory will get associated with it.

I was reading an article about this:

‘Letting go’ of something that is bothering you means refusing to dwell on it, obsess over it, focus on it, worry about it, fume over it, and so on. Instead, you simply set it aside and turn your attention to other tasks that don’t upset you….

This is exactly what’s almost impossible for me, because the positive things get associated with the negative ones… sometimes I’m even scared to talk with some people on some days (the days I wanna do something that I like), as those people might mention the names of people that I hated.

I’m afraid the few things that I enjoy will get corrupted by association with bad memories. By the way, I have no other problems with moods etc.

I think that first: my mind is addicted to a negative thinking. At least one negative thought at the time must be worked on in my head (since I was a little – old bad habit). And also I think that my mind should just get a little bit stupider, in order to not be that attentive/watchful to every little thing. I sometimes cant believe how quickly it can bring up some memory once it’s triggered by something… and that thing just runs though my head in a few seconds and starts to bother me.

Why does my mind just try to destroy everything I like?

That’s what I don’t understand… normal regular people — when something bad happens or when something they hate is recalled in their heads — they simply focus on things they like and bad things are gone… not in my case. I’m even afraid to do anything like that because bad thoughts could be brought next time along with it.

This habit of associating is kind of a new thing — last 2-3 years. Any ideas what I can do / practice etc? Thank you in advance.”

shallow focus photography of man wearing red polo shirt
Photo by Nathan Cowley on Pexels.com

OK, let’s start with the big stuff… the very big info you need for a new mindset and understanding about how your brain works. When you have a better understanding of how it works, you’ll be able to get your mind to work for you.

The big stuff is this: Attention is the volume control for thoughts.

Factors feeding attention in your case are meaning and habit…

An idea you give meaning to has a certain QUALITY, and that quality determines how it affects you subconsciously. For example, you have fear attached to some of these ideas and so you mind will play patterns designed to protect you from real life dangers such as lions. The way your mind responds is the same and can include a fight or flight response (anxiety) plus lots of attention plus very easily made ASSOCIATIONS… Continue reading “How to overcome an addiction to negative thinking” →

I feel lost and confused about life

~ Michael Kinnaird ~ 1 Comment

Doug asks…

“I feel lost and confused about life. My moods, feelings and physical, mental and emotional discomfort are making life tough. I have read a lot of different life advice and it can be very confusing. I often feel restless, scared and frustrated.

I’ve been unsure about my vocation for the past few years. And there’s a female acquaintance who I enjoy seeing, but I feel too uncertain about everything to initiate anything. I would have to say I mostly feel confused and scared… Any insights? Thanks.”

I totally understand about confusing life advice.

When I was sick and desperate for answers, I found NO cohesive answers “out there.” Just debate, agendas and confusion…

Continue reading “I feel lost and confused about life” →

OCD rituals

~ Michael Kinnaird ~ 2 Comments

Daniel asks…

“I’m doing my best to stop my unwanted thoughts and habits, but I just can’t get rid of them. I automatically think about them and make up actions I can do to stop my thoughts from happening, such as touching something a certain amount of times or running up stairs to turn the TV on in less then 20 seconds. I’ve had these thoughts for a couple of years now and it feels like it’s starting to take over my life.”

OCD ritual hand washing
© Stephanie Schupska

Habits are subtle and powerful. And you’ve been doing this for a few years, so you can’t retrain them overnight. It will take a few weeks at most though, if you do it right.

You need to see this behavior for what it is… instinctual behavior that is operating in a dysfunctional way and has morphed into something strange…

We are wired a certain way when we FEAR something, whether that is a LION or a THOUGHT. The way we react is the same.

So you need LOGIC and reason to see that this is simply dysfunctional, it serves no purpose. Once you can reason it, then you can let go because you can see it has no meaning at all… it’s just faulty wiring… Continue reading “OCD rituals” →

Protein powder alternatives

~ Michael Kinnaird ~ 4 Comments

Jeanie asks…

“I like the Happy Guide eating plan but I’m not a big fan of protein powder. What’s a good alternative for the fruit smoothie?”

You could have poached/boiled egg, cold cuts/leftover meat or kippers/smoked mackerel and so-on, in addition to the smoothie as quick protein choices.

Cottage cheese goes well, but always be suspicious of dairy, especially if you have any health issues…

Silken tofu is awesome in a smoothie but not for every day, as soy is controversial. Yogurt is also good and makes a delicious creamy smoothie.

The protein content is not as high as other options though and the dairy issues apply. Goat’s milk yogurt is likely to be less problematic.  Continue reading “Protein powder alternatives” →

How to stop worrying about your family

~ James Riddett ~ 2 Comments

Ruchir asks…

“My mother always has tension in her mind. Things which have happened in the past, or are happening, disturb her. She thinks too much about every household topic and worries about every minute topic related to family. She’s not able to to sleep at night. Does she have a serious problem or is it normal?”

woman wearing gray scarf and gray coat near group of people
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I don’t believe she has a serious problem.

I think she just has deeply ingrained thought habits that cause her to worry about members of her family, at the expense of her own peace of mind…

A good first step is to ponder that everyone is responsible for their own lives, which will lead to a new acceptance and a new way of seeing things — at least intellectually.

Then, she can make a clear and calm decision (pact) that will become a reference for changing her behavior. In this case, a “worry hour” is a fantastic way to go. This way, she can still allow herself to worry about her family, but not habitually…

At first, her mind will keep trying to make her go back to the old way — thinking and worrying about family. Such is the power of habit. She must pay these thoughts no mind… ignore them… just see them as the old conditioning (which is what they are). They will then become less and less frequent. Continue reading “How to stop worrying about your family” →