Weird thought about my girlfriend

Jamie asks…

“I’ve been suffering from a suspicious nature for many years, not trusting people etc. This problem has given me so many problems in life and it’s still giving me problems. A few days back a weird thought came into my mind about my girlfriend, that she was lying to me about something, or more like hiding something and I started thinking about it and this started to grow in my mind.

Then I contacted James, he helped me to remove attention from it with the relationship article and Happy Guide book. Somehow I asked my girlfriend about it and she was angry and told me it was just a silly thought.

I know she was speaking the truth but somehow I wasn’t able to trust her I don’t know why, despite the fact that trust is the most important factor in relationship. She loves me a lot, and I also love her but whenever this thought comes to my mind I get in a bad mood and start to repeat ‘don’t focus on ideas you don’t want’ in my mind and starts to feel good but still focus remains there somehow, on the weird thought. Could you help me to solve this thing Mike?”

Deconstruct belief to let go

Do you fully know that this is just a silly thought? Or are you still questioning its truth? Attention is the volume control for thoughts, so if you consistently remove attention as James said, it would die away and stop coming. But if you believe it’s true or question its truth or meaning, give it importance then that is attention. Attention with meaning ramps ups a thought’s volume very quickly…

Faith in removing attention will work, ignoring will work because ignore has “don’t care” built in and this attitude reprograms your mind that this thought has no meaning.

But if you can truly SEE the thought as silly, remove the belief, the meaning, it will help, because why would you give a second thought to something meaningless?

Shock makes thoughts linger

If you were shocked by having this thought, and perhaps the stress of the upcoming wedding played its part, then your mind behaves in a certain instinctive way. The thoughts tend to hang around and dominate your awareness, tricky to take attention away. If you can’t look away, then look AT. Either way just look, do not engage. This thought wants to be looked at because of the initial shock around it. Then try ignoring it and see what happens.

The finish line

The finish line is that it isn’t there, and you’re not aware it isn’t there, it just isn’t there.

The way

So, ignore every occurrence of the thought, give it the cold shoulder. And like I said, if it’s dominating your awareness, look AT for 5 or 10 seconds “Sigh, I see you, yes, nice, thanks, but you’re sill meaningless :-)” — you don’t need to say the words, this is the attitude — then again, try to look away.

And be sure to use all the other Happy Guide tools to make sure you’re in the best shape physically and mentally. You have a tendency for mistrust, so use all the Happy Guide tools and you will overcome it. There are a thousand problems with one solution, including the problem of mistrust.

The goal is happiness. A happy biochemistry makes happy thoughts. Everything affects everything else — thought problems don’t exist in isolation from whether you slept well, ate well, got some exercise, meditated and how many worries you have. It all matters, it all plays its part.

Best wishes,
Michael Kinnaird

17 thoughts on “Weird thought about my girlfriend

  1. Hi Mike,

    If I remove attention everything goes fine but if I again try to analyze whether its true or not thought it again pops up. I don;t know why I try to again start thinking about that. Please guide with your valuable comment.

  2. Analyzing whether the thought is true is not removing attention. As you say, everything goes fine when you remove attention.

    We can easily trip up if we BELIEVE every random thought that pops up, invest garbage with importance.

    Just because a thought happens does not make it true.

    And then if you happen to have a tendency for paranoia, then your mind is often “LOOKING FOR TROUBLE” !!

    Does this mean all paranoid thoughts are true… no of course not.

    Thoughts mean what YOU SAY they mean by your ATTITUDE to them.

    Everything affects everything else Jamie. That’s why you need to find space between thoughts, why you need to sleep well, why you need to RESOLVE all worries. It all matters.

    Learn and commit to Happy Guide, to put all of that in place every day. Then your MOOD will improve, your energy will increase, your mental clarity will improve and so-on.

    And in the moment, ignore unwanted thoughts = “don’t care” + “attention elsewhere.”

  3. We create what we fear… think about it… what does suspicion and paranoia create? What does it do to the people you are suspicious of, to your relationship with them, to YOURSELF?

    You said it in your question… TRUST is the way… what does THAT create? Think about it.

    OK so you need to change your tendency for suspicion, to re-train your mind to stop looking for trouble.

    So you need a CLEAR and CALM decision. Be clear about the new way, and whenever the old way asserts itself, then you change it every time to the new way, until the new way is just the way it is.

  4. Whenever paranoid thoughts come into my mind, I feel very bad like life is full of griefs etc. I am not able to look on good things which I could have been if these thoughts are not there, look every move of the person I suspect with suspicison without any answer to that.

    but when I trust, I see a new life full of happiness, complete life, but because old way has just become habit so its taking time to reprogram the mind for good.

    1. Yes it takes a little time but the clearer you are, the faster it is. And it’s always about your whole lifestyle too don’t forget. The long-term answer is always “live right, think right” — do it all, because paranoia has many factors — thought habits, general fear volume, how you perceive the world, whether you have slept well, how much coffee you drink, whether you exercise, whether you can STOP thinking and live in the moment. Everything plays it’s part, and attention to those six lifestyle elements, making them all good habits, automatically corrects.

      To change the thought habits around this, then the Break Bad Habits section explains what you need. Make a pact… what is the new way? what’s your clear decision? Then ignore any thought or feeling that goes against = “don’t care + attention elsewhere.”

  5. Hi Mike,

    I have one basic problem that after distracting from the thought it just goes away but after some time I again tend to think that and try to see whether its true or not but I don’t have any belief for that and some kind of fear come into my mind “what if it is true”, at that point again it becomes a fight situation for me and I can’t see lot of good qualities in my girl which will make my life very good but keep on thinking only 1 thought which makes my life only worse.

    As I personally feel whatever I think will not be true and also my gal has told me its weird thought and I don’t have any other choice to trust her and which is also the way to make relationship healthy and happy also I don’t have any other belief to make this thought true which in turn also will make my life worse.

    1. What EVIDENCE do you have that this thought may be true? NONE. The only reason you question it is because you thought it, and it shocked you maybe, and whatever shocks will come back vividly because of what shock does.

      Why pick on THIS untrue thought to obsess about? There are millions of untrue thoughts that you could question!!! Hurry up there’s a lot to get through and you haven’t finished with just this one yet!!! :-)

      Having a random crazy thought does not make it true Jamie. You had this thought because you are looking for trouble… suspicious… “Look out for and tell me about lots of things that people could be doing to get me.”

      And again… what EVIDENCE do you have that you need to do that? Are people constantly out to get you?

      I suggest you stop being suspicious when there is no evidence. I’m not saying trust people who aren’t trust-worthy but your law is “guilty until proven innocent.” And that law is going to cause you a whole heap of pain and suffering.

      So here we have layers of problems… the problem with a single thought, the problem of the general trend, the problem of the underlying belief that causes the trend, the problem of identification with thoughts, ego, the problem of not living right and not thinking right, which is the root of all chronic problems.

      The easy way to solve all these problems is to live right and think right. You have Happy Guide — it explains it all. How to listen to thoughts so you don’t identify, what to do immediately with unwanted thoughts, how to live in the moment so you don’t become or believe your thoughts, and how to live so that you have a happy biochemistry which will create happy thoughts.

      It’s always a multi-pronged strategy and it’s simple stuff but you have to commit to living right and thinking right or your suspicious mind is going to cause no end of pain. Serious.

  6. Yes Mike you are right. I have started following and committing to happy guide and it helps. Hopefully I’ll will be able to end my worries and live right and a healthy life. I’ll come back to you if I need any clarification.

    1. Hi Jamie, well we need some sunlight every day, and time is often short so it makes sense to combine those needs. If you can get sunlight at other times, it’s no problem to use the gym. If you’re doing regular cardio and weights type programs, you could do cardio outside and hit the gym for your weights.

  7. Hi Mike,

    I have seen a trend in my thought process whenever I feel tired weird thoughts again start coming in my mind and because of low vitality at that time I feel my mind unstable to decide what to do at that moment of time.

    1. Exactly right Jamie, that’s why you need to address your whole lifestyle…

      But in the moment it’s always “ignore.” Like you say, that’s hard to do if you have low vitality or stress. Everything affects everything else.

  8. Hi Jamie, Mike isn’t around for a few days so I thought I’d hop on and answer. You train your mind by paying attention to what you want, and ignoring what you don’t want.

    Ultimately it’s that simple. But as Mike says above, that’s not easy if the rest of your lifestyle is dragging you down. That’s why health and happiness is always a multi-pronged strategy. Everything affects everything else. It’s all in Happy Guide Jamie, the best thing you can do is just RUN with it — the whole system :-)

    Take care,
    James

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