A friend of mine is plagued with unwanted thoughts.
He’s been diagnosed with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and I can tell how bad he is at any given moment by the number of times he calls me — he says I say the same stuff as his psychologist but I’m a lot cheaper! :-)
I mean… this is a guy who is bordering on reckless in many areas of his life but is brought to his knees with fear from thoughts that are totally irrational…
If I told you what they were you’d think it was silly but these silly thoughts dominate his life completely.
I don’t believe in the OCD label, at least not in his case. What I see is an extreme example of the issues we all face — the inability to drive our own mental car, the inability to choose the focus of our attention, the inability to see thought for what it really is…
Roll up! Roll up!
My friend and I have the same conversation over and over…
“How do I get rid of these thoughts?”
“You have to not pay attention. There is only one method — distraction. Pay attention to something else.”
Sounds simple eh? It is simple! The question is — can you do it?
Say you’re walking through a fun-fair when one of the stall holders is giving you the hard sell. We’ve all been there. He’s in your face basically, but you know instinctively that any attention you give him will only make the problem worse. If you even look at him you know he just won’t leave you alone.
Some thoughts can be like that — they’re in your face, they urge you in the strongest possible way to act out a certain thing.
Thought becomes you… unless you watch
I was watching a video clip of Eckhart Tolle the other day… He said:
“We notice only the content; we don’t see the field in which the content happens.”
I remember too, a lecture by Alan Watts who drew a circle and asked his students what the circle was. Some said a ball, some said it was the sun and so on. They were all wrong… it was a hole! We don’t notice the background.
Thoughts and feelings can have amazing power. They suck your attention right in and you have no power to stop it. They suck you in so much that you no longer notice the field (you), only the content (thought/feeling).
That’s the problem my friend has. I’ve told him the solution to his problem a thousand times but he’s struggling to actually do it. His thoughts, backed by his belief have too much power.
And make no mistake; we’re talking a lot of power here. OCD = compulsive = no choice. We all have OCD to some extent. Little or no choice.
Thankfully, over time and with constant practice, things are getting better but it’s a tough road and progress is sure, but painfully slow.
Trauma — useful or dangerous?
In his case, a childhood trauma was the event that started all this mess. Traumatic events have amazing power to affect our unconscious minds and generate fear. This is a good thing.
If you’re walking though the jungle and get attacked by a lion, it’s this very same process that stops you repeating the same mistake again. You learn when to fear a lion attack and that is a good thing!
But if trauma is attached to insignificant events, then those insignificant events take on the fear that should be reserved for lion attacks. Say your parents always fought at the dinner table and caused you to be always in a state of anxiety at meals times, then food would become something to fear, by association.
This initial cause can then be strengthened over the years by your attention until life-stopping phobias can result. Now we have a deep problem that’s really hard to shift.
Still… not paying attention to unwanted thoughts is the true solution. But can you do it?
Finding freedom
First, you have to see the field in which the content takes place. There has to be space between your thoughts. When there is a gap, suddenly you notice the thought arising. There is more chance of your being able to choose, when there is space.
But the real bottom line, the true solution, the therapy of therapies is meditation. This is the practice where you learn how to get space between thoughts — where you notice a thought and can look at it with curiosity.
This is where you learn how to be free, where you learn to say “yes” or “no”, where you learn where the off switch is.
If you have no freedom over your thoughts, then you’re merely a physical puppet of mind-energy — a proverbial “leaf in the wind”, with no control over yourself or freedom at all. It’s like getting into your car, shutting your eyes tight and pressing your foot down on the accelerator…
No, we want to choose where the car goes and be able to steer, surely?
You’d have to be crazy…
The other component to my friend’s problem is belief. Of course, he believes his silly thoughts are true… it’s his own mind generating the fear, so if he didn’t believe his own mind he’d have to admit he was crazy.
There are two problems with this. Firstly, he is not the content of his mind and so secondly, he’s not crazy. His mind is working perfectly to the program. It’s the content, the program, the conditioning, that doesn’t serve him.
So, he is not the content. He would still be himself if he’d not had that trauma as a child. Identification with content is a big problem. We define ourselves by the content, by our experiences. But that’s not us.
Our beliefs, experiences and thoughts are often random programmings of life… interesting, often beautiful, sometimes ugly but they’re not us. They define our personality but that’s not us either. “Persona” is Greek for “mask” did you know?
While we identify with all these things we aren’t free to choose something else…
The solutions…
The belief part has to be dislodged as much as possible by reason. In my friend’s case, explaining to him at length why his fear is irrational opens the door to him letting it go and being motivated to do the not-work of distraction — not paying attention.
If he still truly believed his fear was valid, he would never do what’s required because he would still believe the fear served him. Once the understanding is there — that the fear, or the habit of thought does NOT truly serve your best interests, you’re free to try to get rid of it.
You uproot unwanted thought and fear by practicing meditation. It’s tough to see the process for what it is in everyday life when your mind is bombarded by triggers and sensory input constantly. By making everything quiet you see the process for what it is.
I am the background
Here you are… “I AM”
There is the thought.
The thought happened.
The thought has no power unless I give it more attention.
I have choice.
Unless you’ve ever tried to meditate, you won’t understand how little power you have over thoughts that happen to you.
When I first started meditating over 20 years ago, the very first morning, I had 30 minutes meditation planned — I started off just fine… then 20 minutes later I remembered I was supposed to be meditating!
Twenty minutes!
Lost in thought
Thoughts are somewhat like snooker balls. One crashes into another into another into another without ceasing forever and ever and each thought sucks you in — in a word… hell. There’s no peace to be found here, no now, no joy.
We reap what we sow and thoughts are seeds. If you’re not choosing what you sow, you won’t be reaping what you want.
I can’t meditate… it makes it worse!
My friend won’t do it. He won’t do the not-work. He admits he’s lazy but there’s more to it. When he’s having a few good days there’s no motivation. When hell descends on him he’s highly motivated but often in a state of high anxiety.
By the time the thoughts and feelings have escalated into anxiety it’s virtually impossible to rein it in. You have to nip unwanted thoughts in the bud. Spot them arising and withdraw attention before they trigger big emotions and fears.
By the way, if it’s gone pear-shaped and anxiety takes over, the best thing to do is exercise. You’ve got no chance of calming down when you’re pumped with adrenalin.
Also, when he tries to meditate, he has to face his inner demons close up through what feels like a big big magnifying glass and that feels scary at first. The solution to that is to start with relaxation techniques — get out of “fight or flight” and into “the relaxation response”.
So anyway, I can’t convince him and he’s chosen to attempt to just try and not pay attention. This is the slow route as I said, because it’s difficult to see the process with a thousand thoughts, sensory input and internal triggers going on.
You can’t fight the darkness
Meditation teaches you that attention is where the power is. You cannot try to suppress or fight any thought or feeling. That’s just more attention!
The solution is to notice it, let it be, let it go and choose a different focus.
Put your attention onto something else. As difficult as it is to ignore the fair ground stall holder, that’s what’s required. If you go up to him and scream and shout for him to go away, things are likely to get even nastier :-)
At first it takes every ounce of inner strength to hold your attention onto something else, to ignore the unwanted thought. But as you persist, it gets easier and easier until eventually, the thought has no more power over you.
Ignore thoughts you don’t want and hold onto thoughts you do want. That is power! It’s the power to say yes or no. And the same applies to feelings, which are emotional reflections of thoughts.
“I just wanted to say that since I read this article I have had no issues at all. What you wrote cured me and I am totally amazed by it. I am so impressed with the results, I feel totally different and peaceful.
I have seen so many health professionals over my problems, but none has ever come close to the advice that you give. Thanks Mike you have honestly changed my life.”— John Woods, Australia
“For the last week I’ve been practicing indifference towards unwanted thoughts + quick and intense shifting of attention to anything else.
When I started doing it, I got relief in few minutes as the quality of fear associated with these recurring thoughts was gone. Within hours I found calmness and peace growing within me.
It took an initial 3-4 days to have full grasp over the method and develop some more understanding. And now my thoughts have become very much reduced in frequency, and they have lost their power and don’t trouble me anymore. And it’s all because of one technique only.
I am sharing my experiences with other people having O.C.D. on internet and telling them about your website and trying to help them as I got it when I needed it the most. Sir, you have changed my life. and all that I can say is THANK YOU.”— Shivesh, India
Meditation is freedom…
…and that folks, is how you get rid of unwanted thoughts.
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Michael Kinnaird is the author of Happy Guide, the result of a 20 year exploration into what works for health and happiness.
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Happy Guide 
oh mike:D doctor mike:D
its unbelievable!:D
i cnt believe it tht i cud actually remove all my negative thots, i feel much stronger nw:) yes i actually need to be strong, being sensitive is extremely bad:( bt mike i m nt able to remove th thots related to my gal n tht guy whom she luked once, when she lukd at hm she had a suddn blush on her face, the one she hav when she luk at me:( i m nt able to remove tht scene frm my mind,argh its extremely painful,my besfrn says tht she must b making fun of hm coz she neva watchd hm earlier,moreover she is nt like tht bt i m nt able to remove th -ve thots related to ths incident, does tht mean tht she doesnt truely lov me anymore?:(should i ask her tht was she luking at him in tht way or these r just -ve thots again? I fear tht we l hav a fight, help me doctor:(…n i wanna purchase happy guide bt i guess its nt available in australia-my country yet, what to do then brother?
Thank u
bee:-)
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Hi Bee,
What does it MEAN that your girlfriend blushed… could be she was just looking — you know, people look at all sorts of things and the guy clocked her and so she blushed. Could be that or it could be dozens of things. Are you gonna spend all your time worrying about her intentions or are you going to let go and decide to trust? Let’s get real here Bee… guys fancy girls and girls fancy guys, whether in a relationship or not.
You have a great thing going, and to be honest, you will mess it up unless you get on top. Jealousy and possessiveness are always destructive, like I pointed out in the relationship article.
You fear losing what you have, then you cause your mind to operate the “fear” program. You tell your mind “See the fearful thing everywhere, and keep reminding me of it, and keep telling me about it so I don’t forget, and associate my fear more and more with everything so everything I see and hear and do reminds me of the fearful thing.” HELL.
Tell yourself a new truth… there’s lots to choose from. How about “I love her, so I would never interfere with her FREEDOM.” Would you rather chain her and blindfold her so she can never look, never mind fancy another guy?
There’s a saying actually, “what you love, set free.” It’s a great truth because anything else dirties what you have, infects it with negativity. “Set free” means mentally and emoyionally let go, means you cannot own or possess another and to interfere with their free-will always causes bad feelings.
So what to do? It’s been said. DECIDE “no more attention” so whenever you are aware that you mind is there, remember your truth… I think we had one before no? “I trust her completely.” And then RIVET attention elsewhere. Don’t allow you mind to go there once you have a new truth and are clear.
Trust, freedom, love.
As well as “what to do” there are DEEPER issues, to do with WHY you react in this way, whereas in someone else, the reaction is not there, or is much less and seen for what it is and easily let go of.
Learning to live, learning to think, solves all problems Bee, because your body becomes healthy, thinking clear, and WHO YOU ARE will shift and that is critical. Right now you are someone who feels vulnerable and that’s a scary place to be. But when you feel amazing, have lots of energy, happiness and a sense of self that is independent of circumstance, then your whole life shifts, can you see that? We can deal with the surface level of problems but ultimately we have to get to the roots or the problem just shows up again, in a different form or at a different time.
As I said in the relationship article… your BEST chance of your girl continuing to want to be with you, is if you are strong and happy.
You can download the Happy Guide eBook, or if you want the paperback, you can get Happy Guide sent to Australia no problem. The Book Depository would be a good choice. You can also get it from Fishpond in Australia:
https://happy.guide/book
Mike
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Hi Mike,
There is a thought or a feeling in my mind which is troubling me a lot, I know it’s totally irrational to think like this , but still I am not able to get rid of it. Even if I tell it to someone ,nobody takes it seriously. But I got lot of help from your article, it could reduce the tension in my mind upto 50% just by reading it. Thanks for that.And I am trying to follow the not paying attention method. But still sometimes the condition gets worse and it feels like hell at such times and I again become weak. I am afraid of such situations when I totally lose control of myself. I am trying meditation also but the initial phase is very tough and everything seems hazy. please help me overcome this fear.
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Hi Avmish,
We get confused if we believe our thoughts, believe them because they feel true, but thoughts come with the quality you previously attached. You see into the truth of thoughts by being able to step back from them, see them as if from a distance and use reason. Now you can remember your new truth whenever the old thought comes by habit or association. The unconscious mind gives you what you said was meaningful by your reaction and hence the quality you attach. You can’t turn that off like a light but simply keep remembering you new truth and give no importance or attention to unwanted thoughts.
As it says in the article “Can you DO it?” Our minds can gradually get out of control, much like a garden can get wild, overgrown and full of weeds. Meditation is like weeding your garden, getting rid of all the old rubbish and clearing it up. It makes you boss of your mind again instead if thought-habits SUCKING in your attention and dragging you along. That’s not good at all, it’s hell.
Sanity and happiness depend on a quiet mind so make a commitment to meditation, that’s the ultimate cure, and of course continue to remove attention from unwanted thoughts and look after you whole lifestyle because everything affects everything else. Sleep, diet, exercise etc all play their part and HABIT is the root cause of good or bad outcomes. Learn what and how to do good stuff, including meditation every day to make health and happiness effortless.
So… please read Happy Guide asap, and get the big picture of what a happy life looks like and what you need to do every day.
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oh mike:D
thank u so much:-) i l definately purchase ths buk:) yes u r rite, i need to decide n ignore al th rubbish thots…bt almost al of them are related to my lov coz she is the most beautiful part of my life,my strength as well as my weakness,so these thots hurt me so much…i hav becum so posessive abt her,i fear of loosing her all the time,n becoz of ths i keep on doubting her al the time coz whatever i see in my surroundings i start imaging her or me in tht n after some tym i m filled wit fears,i doubt her every single second,bt inspite of 8 months of torture like she doesnt tok to other guys for my sake,doesnt even luk at any guy nt even by chance just for me,tht i l b in pain..she always forgive me for accusing her doesnt matter how much it hurts her..i knw she loves me alot,so very much…i love her so very much too bt these -ve thots r creating lame misunderstandings btw us, coz both of us r tired of these -ve thots,i knw i need to trust her bt these -ve thots crowd my mind n i m unable to do tht, i observe single her all the movements,just find -ve things in al, n yep i m constantly terrified coz just once in 240 days i saw her luking at some other guy, tht image makes me cry,i knw she was nt luking at him in tht sense,i knw she must be making fun of him in her mind coz of her joyful nature bt tht image haunts me al th time,i m filld wit -ve thots what if she likes him,what if she ll leave me, i knw she truely loves me,i knw if she wud hav been like tht she wud hav left me by nw bt she didnt, so i wanna remove al th negitavity frm our life, trust her completely,trust she so very deserve:) bt the -ve thots related to her hurt me alot, they get worse,u cnt imagine how much worse they get,nw like i fear what if u write -ve relatd to my relation like my sis did after whch i started doubting her,i fear ths world.argh! Bt why the hell i doubt her,ths world is bad bt she is nt .i hav -ve thots relatd to myself too coz i doubt everythng bt mine ones r easier to tackle,i feel scared of ones relatd to her:-(
help help help!
Thank u so much:)
bee
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Hi Bee,
“I want to remove all the negativity from our life, trust her completely.”
Sounds like a good plan. You’ve trained your mind to LOOK for trouble, to be suspicious. Now to trust, you have to retrain it. You will have to be very strong willed and consistent.
So your new truth is “I trust her completely.” That’s the best way to go by the way. Any thought or image that goes against how you want it to be, remember your new truth and put your ATTENTION somewhere else. QUICKLY.
Repeat every time. It’s very simple but you must stay strong and consistent. Do not ALLOW your mind to mistrust, to be negative, possessive and if it does, then RIVET your attention SOMEWHERE ELSE.
In your mind, a thing is either THERE or it is NOT THERE, you cannot tell your mind “Don’t think of a pink elephant.” The only way to not think of a pink elephant is to think of a blue one.
The only way for mistrust to not be there is to think of trust and rivet your attention somewhere else.
Do it consistently and stay strong and faithful and the negativity will die away and stop coming.
https://happy.guide/2011/09/20/relationship
Mike
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hey mike
i truely need ur help. I m going through the most crucial part of my life, my career, i m having my pre medical test next month,i wanna becum a doctor i wanna serve the poor n destitutes bt the -ve thots n imaginations dnt let me study, they r consuming me day by day, if i wnt get admission in medical college, i l loose my everythng…my everythng,believe me…ths very thot shatters me completely…one yr ago i didnt knw anythng nasty bt thn my whole lyf changd whn suddenly i got exposed to bad thngs, i didnt want to watch anythng bad bt i did,dnt knw y,i had tears in my eyes and i hate it..it was the biggest mistake of my life..argh,it has ruind my whole life..i m haunted by al those stuff al the tym, my imaginations get worse n it straightly affect my heart…i doubt everythng, i doubt myself n every1…i feel these things hav stolen my innocence,i get scared whenever i see even slight content on tv or movies, plz help me,i want to study,i dont want evn a single trace of negative thots in my life, i wana live my lyf happily again, i wanna lov my life again
i wanna knw tht do u believe in true love? If yes thn i need ur help regarding the problems those nasty things has created in my life,my personal life…like i said i m at high risk of loosing my everythng if i wnt get admission in medical college…my parents wil do tht,hope u undrstnd…i m in a grt need of ur help sir
waiting for ur reply
thank u
bee
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Hi Bee, what’s in the past is done but you have a choice about what it means now. I suggest that you give no attention or meaning to these unwanted thoughts and if they come *ignore* them consistently until they stop coming. This is your new truth, apply it consistently.
CHOOSE to give no more attention to these unwanted thoughts from the past and they will gradually die away and stop coming. They cannot die away if you keep them alive by giving meaning and attention to them.
Now… you cannot separate your thinking from how you live… sleep, exercise, diet etc all affect your mood. A happy mood makes happy thoughts yes? So you should read Happy Guide to learn how to live right and how to think right and how to make all of that into good habits so that happiness is effortless your whole life and you stay healthy and disease-free your whole life.
Decide to stop putting negative thoughts and imagery into your mind… TV, movies etc. Just don’t put it in. Garbage in, garbage out.
Decide to do what it takes to be a doctor if that is your choice. It’s about a time commitment — consistently showing up to do what needs to be done. And again, a happy lifestyle means you will have the clarity and energy and physical health to bring to your studies.
And… yes, I believe in love :-)
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Hello ~
This letter has been very helpful. I was just considering counseling when I came across this site, and now I’m thinking I might try to solve my problem myself again. I’m not sure how old this website is, so I hope there is still someone answering these letters from people.
My problem, in a nutshell, is this: I catch myself imagining horrible things happening to myself or people I love, even my dog. Sometimes the thoughts are so strong it feels like a hallucination. My idea of how to fix it was to understand it, conquer it, somehow reply the thought in my head until I became desensitized to it or somehow “beat” the power it had over me.
I read what you said about how distraction is the only way to win. Giving attention to the thought only gives it power. But I guess the even worse obsessive problem I’m struggling with is that I feel like I need to “beat” the thought by somehow confronting it over and over again until it makes sense to me or doesn’t make me feel so horrible. Obviously this theory hasn’t been working for me, but I don’t know how to just start distracting myself without feeling like I’ve lost the fight.
Part of why I think I have these awful imaginings is because I’m terrified of losing the people I love. I believe in an afterlife, which should bring me comfort, but I just can’t come to terms with the grief I will feel, and so I feel that somehow imagining these things will give me power over that grief (not that I’m imagining these things on purpose… at least I don’t think I am).
So do you have any insight for me to help me feel like “distraction” isn’t losing the fight against the bad thought? Or any reassurance on a healthier way to deal with my fear of losing people?
Thank you…
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Hi Maggie,
I made another post about your question here…
https://happy.guide/2012/03/06/battle-thoughts
Mike
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