A friend of mine is plagued with unwanted thoughts.
He’s been diagnosed with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and I can tell how bad he is at any given moment by the number of times he calls me — he says I say the same stuff as his psychologist but I’m a lot cheaper! :-)
I mean… this is a guy who is bordering on reckless in many areas of his life but is brought to his knees with fear from thoughts that are totally irrational…
If I told you what they were you’d think it was silly but these silly thoughts dominate his life completely.
I don’t believe in the OCD label, at least not in his case. What I see is an extreme example of the issues we all face — the inability to drive our own mental car, the inability to choose the focus of our attention, the inability to see thought for what it really is…
Roll up! Roll up!
My friend and I have the same conversation over and over…
“How do I get rid of these thoughts?”
“You have to not pay attention. There is only one method — distraction. Pay attention to something else.”
Sounds simple eh? It is simple! The question is — can you do it?
Say you’re walking through a fun-fair when one of the stall holders is giving you the hard sell. We’ve all been there. He’s in your face basically, but you know instinctively that any attention you give him will only make the problem worse. If you even look at him you know he just won’t leave you alone.
Some thoughts can be like that — they’re in your face, they urge you in the strongest possible way to act out a certain thing.
Thought becomes you… unless you watch
I was watching a video clip of Eckhart Tolle the other day… He said:
“We notice only the content; we don’t see the field in which the content happens.”
I remember too, a lecture by Alan Watts who drew a circle and asked his students what the circle was. Some said a ball, some said it was the sun and so on. They were all wrong… it was a hole! We don’t notice the background.
Thoughts and feelings can have amazing power. They suck your attention right in and you have no power to stop it. They suck you in so much that you no longer notice the field (you), only the content (thought/feeling).
That’s the problem my friend has. I’ve told him the solution to his problem a thousand times but he’s struggling to actually do it. His thoughts, backed by his belief have too much power.
And make no mistake; we’re talking a lot of power here. OCD = compulsive = no choice. We all have OCD to some extent. Little or no choice.
Thankfully, over time and with constant practice, things are getting better but it’s a tough road and progress is sure, but painfully slow.
Trauma — useful or dangerous?
In his case, a childhood trauma was the event that started all this mess. Traumatic events have amazing power to affect our unconscious minds and generate fear. This is a good thing.
If you’re walking though the jungle and get attacked by a lion, it’s this very same process that stops you repeating the same mistake again. You learn when to fear a lion attack and that is a good thing!
But if trauma is attached to insignificant events, then those insignificant events take on the fear that should be reserved for lion attacks. Say your parents always fought at the dinner table and caused you to be always in a state of anxiety at meals times, then food would become something to fear, by association.
This initial cause can then be strengthened over the years by your attention until life-stopping phobias can result. Now we have a deep problem that’s really hard to shift.
Still… not paying attention to unwanted thoughts is the true solution. But can you do it?
Finding freedom
First, you have to see the field in which the content takes place. There has to be space between your thoughts. When there is a gap, suddenly you notice the thought arising. There is more chance of your being able to choose, when there is space.
But the real bottom line, the true solution, the therapy of therapies is meditation. This is the practice where you learn how to get space between thoughts — where you notice a thought and can look at it with curiosity.
This is where you learn how to be free, where you learn to say “yes” or “no”, where you learn where the off switch is.
If you have no freedom over your thoughts, then you’re merely a physical puppet of mind-energy — a proverbial “leaf in the wind”, with no control over yourself or freedom at all. It’s like getting into your car, shutting your eyes tight and pressing your foot down on the accelerator…
No, we want to choose where the car goes and be able to steer, surely?
You’d have to be crazy…
The other component to my friend’s problem is belief. Of course, he believes his silly thoughts are true… it’s his own mind generating the fear, so if he didn’t believe his own mind he’d have to admit he was crazy.
There are two problems with this. Firstly, he is not the content of his mind and so secondly, he’s not crazy. His mind is working perfectly to the program. It’s the content, the program, the conditioning, that doesn’t serve him.
So, he is not the content. He would still be himself if he’d not had that trauma as a child. Identification with content is a big problem. We define ourselves by the content, by our experiences. But that’s not us.
Our beliefs, experiences and thoughts are often random programmings of life… interesting, often beautiful, sometimes ugly but they’re not us. They define our personality but that’s not us either. “Persona” is Greek for “mask” did you know?
While we identify with all these things we aren’t free to choose something else…
The solutions…
The belief part has to be dislodged as much as possible by reason. In my friend’s case, explaining to him at length why his fear is irrational opens the door to him letting it go and being motivated to do the not-work of distraction — not paying attention.
If he still truly believed his fear was valid, he would never do what’s required because he would still believe the fear served him. Once the understanding is there — that the fear, or the habit of thought does NOT truly serve your best interests, you’re free to try to get rid of it.
You uproot unwanted thought and fear by practicing meditation. It’s tough to see the process for what it is in everyday life when your mind is bombarded by triggers and sensory input constantly. By making everything quiet you see the process for what it is.
I am the background
Here you are… “I AM”
There is the thought.
The thought happened.
The thought has no power unless I give it more attention.
I have choice.
Unless you’ve ever tried to meditate, you won’t understand how little power you have over thoughts that happen to you.
When I first started meditating over 20 years ago, the very first morning, I had 30 minutes meditation planned — I started off just fine… then 20 minutes later I remembered I was supposed to be meditating!
Twenty minutes!
Lost in thought
Thoughts are somewhat like snooker balls. One crashes into another into another into another without ceasing forever and ever and each thought sucks you in — in a word… hell. There’s no peace to be found here, no now, no joy.
We reap what we sow and thoughts are seeds. If you’re not choosing what you sow, you won’t be reaping what you want.
I can’t meditate… it makes it worse!
My friend won’t do it. He won’t do the not-work. He admits he’s lazy but there’s more to it. When he’s having a few good days there’s no motivation. When hell descends on him he’s highly motivated but often in a state of high anxiety.
By the time the thoughts and feelings have escalated into anxiety it’s virtually impossible to rein it in. You have to nip unwanted thoughts in the bud. Spot them arising and withdraw attention before they trigger big emotions and fears.
By the way, if it’s gone pear-shaped and anxiety takes over, the best thing to do is exercise. You’ve got no chance of calming down when you’re pumped with adrenalin.
Also, when he tries to meditate, he has to face his inner demons close up through what feels like a big big magnifying glass and that feels scary at first. The solution to that is to start with relaxation techniques — get out of “fight or flight” and into “the relaxation response”.
So anyway, I can’t convince him and he’s chosen to attempt to just try and not pay attention. This is the slow route as I said, because it’s difficult to see the process with a thousand thoughts, sensory input and internal triggers going on.
You can’t fight the darkness
Meditation teaches you that attention is where the power is. You cannot try to suppress or fight any thought or feeling. That’s just more attention!
The solution is to notice it, let it be, let it go and choose a different focus.
Put your attention onto something else. As difficult as it is to ignore the fair ground stall holder, that’s what’s required. If you go up to him and scream and shout for him to go away, things are likely to get even nastier :-)
At first it takes every ounce of inner strength to hold your attention onto something else, to ignore the unwanted thought. But as you persist, it gets easier and easier until eventually, the thought has no more power over you.
Ignore thoughts you don’t want and hold onto thoughts you do want. That is power! It’s the power to say yes or no. And the same applies to feelings, which are emotional reflections of thoughts.
“I just wanted to say that since I read this article I have had no issues at all. What you wrote cured me and I am totally amazed by it. I am so impressed with the results, I feel totally different and peaceful.
I have seen so many health professionals over my problems, but none has ever come close to the advice that you give. Thanks Mike you have honestly changed my life.”— John Woods, Australia
“For the last week I’ve been practicing indifference towards unwanted thoughts + quick and intense shifting of attention to anything else.
When I started doing it, I got relief in few minutes as the quality of fear associated with these recurring thoughts was gone. Within hours I found calmness and peace growing within me.
It took an initial 3-4 days to have full grasp over the method and develop some more understanding. And now my thoughts have become very much reduced in frequency, and they have lost their power and don’t trouble me anymore. And it’s all because of one technique only.
I am sharing my experiences with other people having O.C.D. on internet and telling them about your website and trying to help them as I got it when I needed it the most. Sir, you have changed my life. and all that I can say is THANK YOU.”— Shivesh, India
Meditation is freedom…
…and that folks, is how you get rid of unwanted thoughts.
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Michael Kinnaird is the author of Happy Guide, the result of a 20 year exploration into what works for health and happiness.
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I see…..All very logical and acceptable :)
There’s one more question I’m interested in on the way of getting rid of unwanted thoughts – maybe you could have some answer on it already or come up with a suggestion.
Let’s say you’re thinking on something that causes certain emotion (and you’re okay about it ) – be it pleasure/anger or whatsoever. And in this process, the “unwanted thoughts” hit you and distract your previous thoughts AND emotion. When refocusing on what were you thinking before, how do you KEEP the previous emotion as well. I mean, ignoring an unwanted thought requires certain level of emotional balance – you kind of need to be cool and relaxed to ignore. So it’s hard to avoid emotional change – some kind of response – avoid going to “relaxed mode” after being “excited/pleased/angry/sad…etc”. In this process of ignoring thoughts and going back to what we were doing/thinking – should we also try to restore the emotions arisen from previous doing/thinkings?
I hope I didn’t overcomplicate it.
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Hi nn,
Think big picture here… if your mind is stormy, then it’s impossible to control all the effects. Thoughts are subtle and yet powerful, they become associated/linked, habitual and unconscious. So to be boss, first we make our minds very quiet, as you say cool and relaxed. The common analogy is like the surface of a lake… only by making it calm and still can we see to the bottom.
So… the important thing is to be boss of mental processes. Only then do you have complete choice over your attention and so what emotions you feel. To restore a certain emotion, focus on the thoughts and feelings that created the desired emotion to begin with. That’s going to be hard if your mind is stormy, if old stuff is powerfully activated and dominant. To really be boss, go back to square one and learn to be still first of all.
Practice this simple method all the time to rapidly disentangle yourself from unconscious thought habits…
Does this answer your question?
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Hi Mike, thanks for the article.
I’ve been struggling with health related (due to some traumatic experience) and ‘unexpectedness of future’ related fears for couple years now. The rituals I made up to reduce anxiety seemed to have just exaggerated those fearful thoughts up to the point that they became really intense, frequent and unbearable. Finally a month ago I decided to give up on those rituals and it seemed to work well for couple of days until I read about the OCD. This is when the actual hell began. It is this label of “OCD”, of “mental illness” that killed me. It consumed me and took completely over me up to the point that all fearful thoughts now focused on “mental illness”, I developed a terrible fear for other ‘mental disorders’; started constantly checking all my thoughts, all my emotions, all feelings I got and analyze them, relate them to the “disease” – this completely crashed me. All this coincided with a massive disappointment in love life that I had built so much hopes for. It is hard to describe the despair these two events together caused.
I started analyzing my whole life, my childhood, my teenage years. I felt completely alienated from myself, I no more trusted myself, I felt to be in an extreme emergency to be “cured”; felt like I’ve been carrying this “mental illness” my whole life and I knew no more what “me” was. I felt so detached from everything, from myself, from life. I did not know what form of existence that was, I started questioning every little aspect of life – all this accompanied by sense of terrible struggle and anxiety.
I thought to myself, “had I never read anything about OCD”, I would have just beaten it all so well myself.” And it from then on seemed impossible, because I lost trust to my sanity fully. Speaking of this now, I am still questioning, being so “obsessive” about the idea “OCD” itself, is not itself a proof that something’s wrong (in other words – proof that I actually have “it”)? I sometimes wish I could let go and did care about the answer to this question, but I do. and I still do not know how “normal” that is.
Here’s another thing. In the process of “checking” whether I have OCD, I forced myself imagining terrible things. I then read, OCD people have unwanted sexual thoughts. So I picked the worst for me and focused on that. And starting from that day, I can not let go of this. And how these terrible thoughts are proof of my “disorder”. It’s a terrible cycle I can’t break.
And there is always something that tells me it is just artificial, I forced many thoughts up on myself and that I should ignore, but I hardly manage to. Feels like it’s always “somewhere there”.
Then I’ve read somewhere that such “unwanted thoughts” come due to cover up something that is really bothering us. How true is that? Or is it worth thinking about its truthfulness – as I would assume based on you article, it just feeds it. This analyses just feeds it all.
And the thing is, I don’t feel anxiety over these analyses any more. I just feel tiredom and disgust. I am utterly tired of it. Fed up with it. But I have struggle feeling “back”, feeling “normal”. I know I’m writing all this now, and then in couple hours or minutes, this cycle will trap me back in again. I know I have to be strong and step out, but it is hard to let go. And I don’t know why it’s happening.
All this anxiety over “OCD” started a month ago and I am still going through it. I don’t want to see psychiatrists, put myself on meds, I know it will mess me up even more. I just want my life back, even with fearful thoughts and anxieties. I do not want to be “analysing” myself any more. I don’t want to be questioning whether this “need for analyses” is abnormal either.
It is hard to fight too, because the idea that there actually “something” to fight feeds all the “unwanted thoughts” itself and the major unwanted thought about “disorder”. I hope my lengthy comment makes some kind of sense and I sincerely look forward to you reply.
Good luck everyone.
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Hi nn,
Sorry to hear about your situation. The OCD label does a lot of harm in my experience… people think they have a disease and it makes the whole thing worse, as in your case too. If you follow all the advice in the article, things will begin to turn around for you and you can get back to yourself. You’re not the first to unwittingly create hell by fearing and giving meaning to thoughts that rightly, mean nothing. If I could hard-wire your brain so that you couldn’t think these thoughts, would anything bad happen?
All the analyzing makes it all worse, and deepens “the problem.” No, unwanted thoughts do not come to cover up something that is really bothering you.
To let go, do nothing but be aware of whatever pops into your mind. If you want mud to settle in a pond, you STOP STIRRING.
The only thinking that needs to be done is if you think the thoughts are serving you in some way. This doesn’t appear to apply in your case, so there is nothing to do, and a lot to stop doing.
Keep reading the article until you are very clear, then begin to stop doing all the things you’ve been doing that grow it, begin to do nothing, to have a don’t care attitude, to notice and let go of any related thoughts, to put attention to other things, see what happens.
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Thanks for your response.
I came across with this article – http://www.hope4ocd.com/foursteps.php on overcoming OCD obsessive thoughts and compulsions and it was really surprising how it is similar to your method. The wording is all different (and psychologically traumatizing in my eyes), but the method is kind of same – revaluing thoughts as “mere “OCD” thoughts” and forming reaction habits.
Differences are:
“you are not your thoughts” – “Your thoughts are OCD”
“the types of reactions to thoughts are results of formed habits” – “Reactions are due to biochemical imbalance”.
This both contribute to labeling thoughts as meaningless. And the method is reaction severity reduction, and refocusing – forming new habits that in the other writer’s eyes will fix “chemical imbalances”. I do like ” it will form the habit” better.
Then it does go on to mention “impartial observer”, which is also interesting. Guess it all comes down to that, I’ve been reading some article the other day on freeing yourself from “false self” and finding your “true self”. That one was from pure psychological perspective. These fields of sciences and relevant wording just complicate things more. After all, all roads lead to Rome :)
Your wording is so much more useful and non-harmful. It is amazing how all this “scientific” ways go through puzzles to put things simple. While PHD may assure you to “probably” have brain defects along the way of “curing” you – You can help people go right to the curing phase without hurting them into believing they are “mentally ill” – that can have very negative effects.
I’m planning on buying your book. But there is one question that bothers me when it comes to happiness recipes. How do you define happiness. It is some easiness, peacefulness, sense of control that is to be achieved – I mean, some general mode that can be stable and long lasting – is this what the word “happiness” symbolizes in your case?
I really want to ask what you do in times of big trouble. How does it effect this general, stable mood of yours that you managed to achieve? And in big trouble I mean, times of very evident and extremely unhappy and upsetting events.
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Hi nn, great comment!
“you are not your thoughts” “Your thoughts are OCD”. Both things are true… thoughts, memories, images are all forms in the field of consciousness of which you are aware (ideally), therefore they are not you, although you have a choice (ideally) about which thoughts you hold as true, i.e. you have a choice about what they all mean, and in that sense you are choosing who you are in relationship to them. They are also OCD thoughts in that the patterns created and habituated conform to OCD as psychologists have defined it. The dysfunction follows predictable patterns which we label OCD.
The label, however is not helpful to sufferers. In my experience, telling people they have OCD creates a big obstacle to recovery.
“the types of reactions to thoughts are results of formed habits”. “Reactions are due to biochemical imbalance”. The first is always the case, the second may be true, but not necessarily. If the cause is only the first, then only the first need be addressed, if the causes are both, then both need to be addressed. Without access to expensive testing methods, the best approach is to change the diet and lifestyle to automatically correct potential imbalances. This is mentioned in the article above.
Changing thought habits will not alter chemical imbalances resulting from years of sub-optimal nutrition for example. But what can happen with OCD is a constant anxiety state which more or less keeps the sufferer trapped in dysfunctional thinking, without the understanding and tools I’ve described in the article. This constant anxiety is probably the chemical imbalance the other article is talking about.
“These fields of sciences and relevant wording just complicate things more. After all, all roads lead to Rome :)” Yes, everywhere there is over-complication, as individuals try to carve their own niche, try to sound very clever etc. And problems with the mind make over-complication and over-information more likely because we are dealing with a massive range of potential effects that need to be described and treated. The truth though, is very very simple–you must establish yourself as the witness, and gain control over your attention, and remove meaning and attention from unwanted thoughts.
I call happiness feeling good… good feelings of contentment, joy, peace, spontaneity, a sense of loving life etc. Feeling good.
In times of big trouble, a happy person accepts fully the situation and works to change things to a desirable and stable state without taking it personally or reacting negatively. When you achieve great health and inner peace, there really isn’t anything that can affect that, so outer conditions become much less able to affect your state. Of course if there is loss, you might feel sad and cry etc, but this is a different quality to that which is normally experienced by people. There IS greater ease in becoming sure of your SELF and trusting in that, acting from that, being that, than in trying to figure everything out mentally, how you should behave in a billion different circumstances and all the other problems the ego creates.
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Hello there, I just read the book and loved it…I just wanted to ask about these thinking grooves….if its been a couple years of unhelpful thinking….I want to believe that one day I will look back at this and those once deep grooves will no longer be there…is it possible to change ur life so much that things or thoughts that u used to let bother u or make u anxious…will not anymore…because u changed your reactions and thus your body and mind adapts to the new You.?
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Hi Sarah Lee, glad you loved the book! :-) Yes, absolutely. In your mind a thought is either there or it isn’t, so you can’t force a thought to not be there because that is attention which grows the thought. To make something not there, remove meaning and attention every time something pops into your mind that you don’t want, you essentially ignore it. Let me know if you need more clarity on anything.
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My mind always torchures me of the things that i have not done. it torchues me of taking things of people or taking money from people. when i really havent. it plays tricks in my mind. and i start shivering and i would find hard to do anything. may be when i was a little kid may be when i was the age of 7 i took a chocolate from a girl with out het knowledge bt i promise till this very day i have never evert taken any ones money or any belongings, at school i had a very good reputation amoung my my friends and teachers, i come from a good family back ground and i practice my religion strongly. i am still guilty i took that chocolate my parents keep telling me i was kid and children do those kind of stuff, but the hardest part is my mind keeps that and would accuse me of other things. it would say if you took the chocolate then you are responsible for other things if said lies then your responsible for other things. please help me on this, please reply
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Hi Pink Dollys,
The method in the article applies to any unwanted thoughts including yours. Thoughts you keep thinking become habits and you are giving meaning, or searching for meaning when there is none. Getting rid of unwanted thoughts is a very simple process of not caring, and removing attention in every case. And also understanding the process… that the thoughts diminish over time.
So, have a don’t care attitude from now on, and calmly ignore every single occurrence. See what happens. Your parents are right, kids do that kind of thing, it means nothing. And being sensitive, I would urge you to get into good lifestyle habits every day… looking after your mind and body. For example, the constant practice of living in the moment, stops your attention being sucked into thoughts, gives you the power of choice, lets you see thoughts as just thoughts. If you read the Happy Guide book, you will learn everything you need to know.
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Hiya james n mike:)
Guys I dont want help or mike’s time…..as everything is going fine in my life now, I m able to handle problems on my own I just wished to tell mike tht wht tremendous results his coaching brought in my life:) I just couldnt help bt tell my story…i feel so thankful to u guys..i owe ualot…i just felt like informing u tht my lov is winning n u are such an imp reason of it!:) yeah though I asked how to remove tht friendship line coz u r elder to me n experienced n so wise…i seeked for advice this time nt help as I understand ur situation too…its hard to coach everyone….bt I told u th result of ur coaching mike:) u brought happiness in someone’s life who was suffering badly….its a great deed isnot it?:) thanks mike for all u hav done for me..god bless u, sam n james!:)
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That’s great Bee, and thanks for your kind words. I’m delighted to hear you’re doing so well now. This is off-topic really but my advice is to stop thinking and relax. Spend time with your girlfriend without expectation, see what happens. Don’t try so hard, stop thinking :-) I see too many young couples (especially) think themselves out of a perfectly natural and enjoyable relationship. They get bogged down in trying to define “who they are” — analyzing likes and dislikes, ideas and concepts, to the point where it just creates tension. Relax, let if flow, see what happens. Stop thinking :-)
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