A friend of mine is plagued with unwanted thoughts.
He’s been diagnosed with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and I can tell how bad he is at any given moment by the number of times he calls me — he says I say the same stuff as his psychologist but I’m a lot cheaper! :-)
I mean… this is a guy who is bordering on reckless in many areas of his life but is brought to his knees with fear from thoughts that are totally irrational…
If I told you what they were you’d think it was silly but these silly thoughts dominate his life completely.
I don’t believe in the OCD label, at least not in his case. What I see is an extreme example of the issues we all face — the inability to drive our own mental car, the inability to choose the focus of our attention, the inability to see thought for what it really is…
Roll up! Roll up!
My friend and I have the same conversation over and over…
“How do I get rid of these thoughts?”
“You have to not pay attention. There is only one method — distraction. Pay attention to something else.”
Sounds simple eh? It is simple! The question is — can you do it?
Say you’re walking through a fun-fair when one of the stall holders is giving you the hard sell. We’ve all been there. He’s in your face basically, but you know instinctively that any attention you give him will only make the problem worse. If you even look at him you know he just won’t leave you alone.
Some thoughts can be like that — they’re in your face, they urge you in the strongest possible way to act out a certain thing.
Thought becomes you… unless you watch
I was watching a video clip of Eckhart Tolle the other day… He said:
“We notice only the content; we don’t see the field in which the content happens.”
I remember too, a lecture by Alan Watts who drew a circle and asked his students what the circle was. Some said a ball, some said it was the sun and so on. They were all wrong… it was a hole! We don’t notice the background.
Thoughts and feelings can have amazing power. They suck your attention right in and you have no power to stop it. They suck you in so much that you no longer notice the field (you), only the content (thought/feeling).
That’s the problem my friend has. I’ve told him the solution to his problem a thousand times but he’s struggling to actually do it. His thoughts, backed by his belief have too much power.
And make no mistake; we’re talking a lot of power here. OCD = compulsive = no choice. We all have OCD to some extent. Little or no choice.
Thankfully, over time and with constant practice, things are getting better but it’s a tough road and progress is sure, but painfully slow.
Trauma — useful or dangerous?
In his case, a childhood trauma was the event that started all this mess. Traumatic events have amazing power to affect our unconscious minds and generate fear. This is a good thing.
If you’re walking though the jungle and get attacked by a lion, it’s this very same process that stops you repeating the same mistake again. You learn when to fear a lion attack and that is a good thing!
But if trauma is attached to insignificant events, then those insignificant events take on the fear that should be reserved for lion attacks. Say your parents always fought at the dinner table and caused you to be always in a state of anxiety at meals times, then food would become something to fear, by association.
This initial cause can then be strengthened over the years by your attention until life-stopping phobias can result. Now we have a deep problem that’s really hard to shift.
Still… not paying attention to unwanted thoughts is the true solution. But can you do it?
Finding freedom
First, you have to see the field in which the content takes place. There has to be space between your thoughts. When there is a gap, suddenly you notice the thought arising. There is more chance of your being able to choose, when there is space.
But the real bottom line, the true solution, the therapy of therapies is meditation. This is the practice where you learn how to get space between thoughts — where you notice a thought and can look at it with curiosity.
This is where you learn how to be free, where you learn to say “yes” or “no”, where you learn where the off switch is.
If you have no freedom over your thoughts, then you’re merely a physical puppet of mind-energy — a proverbial “leaf in the wind”, with no control over yourself or freedom at all. It’s like getting into your car, shutting your eyes tight and pressing your foot down on the accelerator…
No, we want to choose where the car goes and be able to steer, surely?
You’d have to be crazy…
The other component to my friend’s problem is belief. Of course, he believes his silly thoughts are true… it’s his own mind generating the fear, so if he didn’t believe his own mind he’d have to admit he was crazy.
There are two problems with this. Firstly, he is not the content of his mind and so secondly, he’s not crazy. His mind is working perfectly to the program. It’s the content, the program, the conditioning, that doesn’t serve him.
So, he is not the content. He would still be himself if he’d not had that trauma as a child. Identification with content is a big problem. We define ourselves by the content, by our experiences. But that’s not us.
Our beliefs, experiences and thoughts are often random programmings of life… interesting, often beautiful, sometimes ugly but they’re not us. They define our personality but that’s not us either. “Persona” is Greek for “mask” did you know?
While we identify with all these things we aren’t free to choose something else…
The solutions…
The belief part has to be dislodged as much as possible by reason. In my friend’s case, explaining to him at length why his fear is irrational opens the door to him letting it go and being motivated to do the not-work of distraction — not paying attention.
If he still truly believed his fear was valid, he would never do what’s required because he would still believe the fear served him. Once the understanding is there — that the fear, or the habit of thought does NOT truly serve your best interests, you’re free to try to get rid of it.
You uproot unwanted thought and fear by practicing meditation. It’s tough to see the process for what it is in everyday life when your mind is bombarded by triggers and sensory input constantly. By making everything quiet you see the process for what it is.
I am the background
Here you are… “I AM”
There is the thought.
The thought happened.
The thought has no power unless I give it more attention.
I have choice.
Unless you’ve ever tried to meditate, you won’t understand how little power you have over thoughts that happen to you.
When I first started meditating over 20 years ago, the very first morning, I had 30 minutes meditation planned — I started off just fine… then 20 minutes later I remembered I was supposed to be meditating!
Twenty minutes!
Lost in thought
Thoughts are somewhat like snooker balls. One crashes into another into another into another without ceasing forever and ever and each thought sucks you in — in a word… hell. There’s no peace to be found here, no now, no joy.
We reap what we sow and thoughts are seeds. If you’re not choosing what you sow, you won’t be reaping what you want.
I can’t meditate… it makes it worse!
My friend won’t do it. He won’t do the not-work. He admits he’s lazy but there’s more to it. When he’s having a few good days there’s no motivation. When hell descends on him he’s highly motivated but often in a state of high anxiety.
By the time the thoughts and feelings have escalated into anxiety it’s virtually impossible to rein it in. You have to nip unwanted thoughts in the bud. Spot them arising and withdraw attention before they trigger big emotions and fears.
By the way, if it’s gone pear-shaped and anxiety takes over, the best thing to do is exercise. You’ve got no chance of calming down when you’re pumped with adrenalin.
Also, when he tries to meditate, he has to face his inner demons close up through what feels like a big big magnifying glass and that feels scary at first. The solution to that is to start with relaxation techniques — get out of “fight or flight” and into “the relaxation response”.
So anyway, I can’t convince him and he’s chosen to attempt to just try and not pay attention. This is the slow route as I said, because it’s difficult to see the process with a thousand thoughts, sensory input and internal triggers going on.
You can’t fight the darkness
Meditation teaches you that attention is where the power is. You cannot try to suppress or fight any thought or feeling. That’s just more attention!
The solution is to notice it, let it be, let it go and choose a different focus.
Put your attention onto something else. As difficult as it is to ignore the fair ground stall holder, that’s what’s required. If you go up to him and scream and shout for him to go away, things are likely to get even nastier :-)
At first it takes every ounce of inner strength to hold your attention onto something else, to ignore the unwanted thought. But as you persist, it gets easier and easier until eventually, the thought has no more power over you.
Ignore thoughts you don’t want and hold onto thoughts you do want. That is power! It’s the power to say yes or no. And the same applies to feelings, which are emotional reflections of thoughts.
“I just wanted to say that since I read this article I have had no issues at all. What you wrote cured me and I am totally amazed by it. I am so impressed with the results, I feel totally different and peaceful.
I have seen so many health professionals over my problems, but none has ever come close to the advice that you give. Thanks Mike you have honestly changed my life.”— John Woods, Australia
“For the last week I’ve been practicing indifference towards unwanted thoughts + quick and intense shifting of attention to anything else.
When I started doing it, I got relief in few minutes as the quality of fear associated with these recurring thoughts was gone. Within hours I found calmness and peace growing within me.
It took an initial 3-4 days to have full grasp over the method and develop some more understanding. And now my thoughts have become very much reduced in frequency, and they have lost their power and don’t trouble me anymore. And it’s all because of one technique only.
I am sharing my experiences with other people having O.C.D. on internet and telling them about your website and trying to help them as I got it when I needed it the most. Sir, you have changed my life. and all that I can say is THANK YOU.”— Shivesh, India
Meditation is freedom…
…and that folks, is how you get rid of unwanted thoughts.
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Michael Kinnaird is the author of Happy Guide, the result of a 20 year exploration into what works for health and happiness.
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I wanna knw the reason of my suffering….plzz help me brother?…..n yes, even nw…i knw she wont leave bt she feels tht i m no longer the same person she loves truely, she feels tht i wont be able to be her old bee…so she hav felt all the hopes nw…she behaves indifferent…n she certainly is rite on her part:(….i knw! If i becum her old bee…everything will b fine, she wud feel me n happiness will be bak in our life….bt its too difficult!:( ….i feel scared of the very thing tht i think negative….it has ruined whole of my life…i feel scared tht i think negative:(….can i be wht i used to be mike?….or will it be too late?:(
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You know the reason — because you believed lies, gave meaning to lies, and feared loss. All this is a mega ramp up because attention is the volume control for thoughts.
I said a while ago how URGENT your situation is if you want to save things. Because of that you did what it takes and things went better, now you have reverted again. You have to be consistent. I’ve given you all the answers… including DROP THE WHOLE PROBLEM, yet here you are writing in again. OK I will make it clear one last time… whether you do it and save your relationship is up to you, but there’s no point writing in again because there’s no new information :-)
1. Without trust there cannot be closeness.
2. Trust your intelligence and judgement as truth. Trust that what your girl says is true for her, IS true for her. Do not revisit these truths without good reason.
3. Remember your truth “I trust her” whenever a thought pops (see old thoughts as old rubbish) and remove attention, let it go with a “don’t care” attitude, otherwise do nothing.
4. The end goal is that the are no thoughts or awareness of anything to do with this subject. It’s not there, and you’re not aware it’s not there.
5. Tell your girl all will be well, you’ve been an idiot but now you’re 100% clear. Tell her you do trust her completely but you got confused, sorry, it won’t happen again.
6. Now never ever, ever, bring up the subject of trust with her again — at least until all this is a distant memory.
7. Insist that your mind NEVER dwells on ANYTHING to do with this…. insist by riveting attention elsewhere, ignore everything.
8. PERSIST and NEVER ever allow your mind to be sucked into attention to this subject.
9. Do all this and thoughts will reduce in frequency and intensity until they are not there anymore.
10. Looking after your whole lifestyle and meditation are the long term solutions to thought problems.
Do this… you have a chance to save things. If you don’t, your thoughts and behavior will destroy the relationship, as they have begun to do.
Please don’t ask me to repeat it all again. Re-read it, it’s quicker than me retyping it all using slightly different words. :-) Good luck and I hope you have a happy life!
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The only questions that are valid from now on are “how to apply” the 10 points — clarifications. Any other questions are irrelevant.
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Yes mike i can truely understand ur frustration…ah! Its to difficult to deal confused brains…god bless u for all ur good deeds of helping ppl get out of hell:)…yes mike if i listen to my intelligence it really says tht my gal is actually an angel, coz i cAn clearly see tht she did leave me inspite of going thrw 9 months of “doubting her 24X7″ torture….its impossible for a common gal to cope up in such a hell…bt she is doing…i m nt rich, nor i tht much handsome….so wit all my sanity i can see tht she is doing so becoz she truely loves me like i lov her…yes she once told me even she fear loosing me bt she knws tht i wud neva leave her….even i neva feared such an impossible thing till my sister started accusing my relation on regular basics….she doesnt believe in true lov…an yr ago, when i saw tht bad video stuff, i dont knw y…bt o developed fears…i wud watch a gal ditching a guy in movies n then i wud ask her wud she leave me? She wud console me n then my sister came to knw abt my relation…she started babbling anything against us…n then one day she said something against her wit full confidence. It was ” all gals r same,its no different in ur case” n after tht my whole life changed, i started doubting her badly, fearing tht she wud leave me:(, i feel my sister broke my confidence in my own truth…n i gave meaning to wht she said out of fear…is it so mike?:(….
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Hi mike…hows u?:)….ah mike u were rite…i was loosing her…n thanx for ur warning on rite tym…the same day i realised tht this truth n saved my relation because of it because even a slight mistake at tht tym wud hav ruined my lyf…thanx u so much brother for saving my life:):)….mike… when i gv my mind the real truth regarding her,tht how she is…my mind wud say ur words tht this is just a thot aswell, no thot is true or untrue…its just the quality which u gave it earlier…n then this thing again restricts me in believing the truth…i knw u meant it other way bt my mind just keeps on telling me tht wht if this is a thot too, then all the true imaginations turn pale…then i again start finding suspicion in everything she does…n also, since everything is better between us, the volume of thots hav increased again:(….when u told me that i mite loose her…i was totally gone!..wailing badly….n then i dont knw bt for few hrs…i got my sanity bak…coz the very fear of loosing such an angel pierced by heart…n i got so angry wit my unwanted doubting habit tht i decided to drop it completely…n i did! Bt as soon as every thing was fine…i started having negative thots again:(…n my sanity is gone again:(…help!
Bee
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Hi Bee, well I’m really happy that I shook you up. I did wonder whether I was being toooo hard at the time but no, we can get stuck in a endless loop and people don’t follow the advice strongly enough, with enough effort and determination. And part of that is because of confusion — and that can be very frustrating for me because I am not confused, but communicating that clarity to a confused mind is challenging.
Yes, thoughts come with the quality you give but you are free to give that meaning, the RIGHT meaning, using your judgement and intelligence. And you should certainly trust your own judgement and intelligence until there is evidence to the contrary. I believe you are rightly judging your girl when you see she is an “angel” and yet you were so confused that when your friend said “all girls are bitches” this actually made you question your own judgment.
So you must follow though with more determination and CONSISTENCY. You see the qualities of your girl, that she truly is trustworthy, so follow through with that by remembering your truth about it every time a contrary thought comes and then put your attention somewhere else. Ignore the unwanted thought — the lie.
Once you have arrived at the truth, which is simply an intelligent judgement, then stay with your truth whatever comes and DROP THE WHOLE SUBJECT.
In practice, this means DO NOTHING unless a lie appears, or fear of loss appears, or anything else related to this whole subject appears. Then remember “I trust her” and put attention somewhere else. Repeat foe EVERY SINGLE lie or fear that appears.
Do NOT CARE what appears, because then you give meaning to the lie and if you give meaning, it will grow. Even if a lie lingers in your awareness, just smile and don’t care because it is only there because of your previous fear. What you fear will appear vividly.
So by consistently not caring in every single case, you tell your mind “this is not important to me now” and it will die away gradually.
Don’t mess this up Bee, it would be a shame to lose something good, because you feared losing.
Remember — you create what you fear in your awareness. You will notice what you fear everywhere and so fear of losing a girl is totally dysfunctional because you cannot control another and nor should you want to, because if you loved her, you would want her to be free to choose. And fear of loss will cause you to behave in ways that actually cause your girl to have bad feelings, and so eventually, fear of loss causes the very thing it fears. Just love instead, turn away from fear of loss in every case, ignore every instance. Ignore it.
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hi mike,
In continuance of your advise i already ordered the book and regularly doing meditation but as long as from a week i am doing meditation it becoming more panic feeling for me in my body through my rituals and prospective acts following that. I am not feeling good through my mind prospect as early when I was not doing meditation I am just continuing my daily life with my ocd. please tell me to get relief from such uneasyness, strechness, shout on obsession and a lot more of frustration. Is that any herbal or homeopathic treatment is there along with your advised of meditation so that I can able me to overcome?
Thanks
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Hi kp, yes there’s lots that can be done, it’s all in the book. The best thing is to read it and then get back to me if you have questions about how to put it into practice. Meditation is a long term solution that gets to the roots of mental problems, so I highly recommend you continue to practice meditation every day.
The more disturbed your mind is, the more you need it. And then you must resolve all worries — Happy Guide shows you how to do that.
The rest is about your biochemistry — resolving nutrient deficiencies and optimizing your diet to make sure your body and mind work properly, being well rested, getting exercise etc which all work together to make a happy mood.
So — everything matters, and everything plays it’s part. Have a read of the Guide and then ask questions if you are unsure about how to apply any of the info in your situation. Happy Guide covers everything that matters, and when you get everything working naturally, worries resolved and have the tools to think properly, your health and happiness will return.
As I said in an earlier comment, if you believe thoughts are true that cause your dysfunction, you must deconstruct those beliefs in order to let go. You must get to a point mentally, where you are happy to ignore every thought to do with this OCD. Then, frustration never helps… that is meaning and attention. The right attitude for unwanted thoughts is always “don’t care,” the right attention is always “away.”
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Hey brother mike, I hav finally ordered happy guide after so many difficulties:D how cud I forget cash on delivery..oops! Mike I find meditation really difficult, I strived alot bt I cud do it for just 30 secs:( n mike I m in a great problem….she is nt toking to me as she is busy, guests u knw, bt my mind is giving me shit tht she is slowly throwing me out of her life, inspite of knwing tht ahe won’t, this is giving me lot of pain as it is associating so many negative thots of past…..even after following ur mantra of nt paying attention , I m able to ignore 80% thots knowing tht they r totally irrational, bt 20% thots give me possibilities tht they mite be true, giving me examples, making associations n this increases their volume n I m in pain again…..she says tht I hav becum obsessed of doubting her….will this suspicion problem eva stop n gv me my happy life bak?:( n yes, u said tht I need to decide o believe her, bt once she said tht she is nt able to tell me some things as she knws tht I wud make them negative n wont be able to understand her,she feels really bad coz of tht n me too, when I decide to believe her my mind starts making this thing negative saying it in negative manner tht she hides certain things from me n this -ve thot restrain me from believing her:(….ah so bad on my part, I hav all the freedom to tell her anything as she understands me always…always…n she is nt able to share her feelings fearing I will make them negative, even I fear this…gosh! What I hav becum coz of this negative period of my life…help me plzz brother!:(
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If you can only meditate for 30 secs, then you need to focus there… the more disturbed your mind is the more you need meditation. As I said before, you need to dig deep, decide to trust unconditionally or your relationship is DOOOOOOMED. If it has ANY chance, you need to turn it around NOW. It’s all been said Bee, the ball is in your court. You will soon be reading Happy Guide and EVERYTHING you need to know and do is in there. Commit to it with all you’ve got, and then your life will change and you’ll be happy. I can answer any questions you have about Happy Guide Bee, I hope you read it, take it to heart and commit to it.
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You need to tell her that you trust her and follow through by remembering your decision and ignoring EVERY occurrence of any thought that goes against. Do it Bee, or I think you will lose her.
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