A friend of mine is plagued with unwanted thoughts.
He’s been diagnosed with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and I can tell how bad he is at any given moment by the number of times he calls me — he says I say the same stuff as his psychologist but I’m a lot cheaper! :-)
I mean… this is a guy who is bordering on reckless in many areas of his life but is brought to his knees with fear from thoughts that are totally irrational…
If I told you what they were you’d think it was silly but these silly thoughts dominate his life completely.
I don’t believe in the OCD label, at least not in his case. What I see is an extreme example of the issues we all face — the inability to drive our own mental car, the inability to choose the focus of our attention, the inability to see thought for what it really is…
Roll up! Roll up!
My friend and I have the same conversation over and over…
“How do I get rid of these thoughts?”
“You have to not pay attention. There is only one method — distraction. Pay attention to something else.”
Sounds simple eh? It is simple! The question is — can you do it?
Say you’re walking through a fun-fair when one of the stall holders is giving you the hard sell. We’ve all been there. He’s in your face basically, but you know instinctively that any attention you give him will only make the problem worse. If you even look at him you know he just won’t leave you alone.
Some thoughts can be like that — they’re in your face, they urge you in the strongest possible way to act out a certain thing.
Thought becomes you… unless you watch
I was watching a video clip of Eckhart Tolle the other day… He said:
“We notice only the content; we don’t see the field in which the content happens.”
I remember too, a lecture by Alan Watts who drew a circle and asked his students what the circle was. Some said a ball, some said it was the sun and so on. They were all wrong… it was a hole! We don’t notice the background.
Thoughts and feelings can have amazing power. They suck your attention right in and you have no power to stop it. They suck you in so much that you no longer notice the field (you), only the content (thought/feeling).
That’s the problem my friend has. I’ve told him the solution to his problem a thousand times but he’s struggling to actually do it. His thoughts, backed by his belief have too much power.
And make no mistake; we’re talking a lot of power here. OCD = compulsive = no choice. We all have OCD to some extent. Little or no choice.
Thankfully, over time and with constant practice, things are getting better but it’s a tough road and progress is sure, but painfully slow.
Trauma — useful or dangerous?
In his case, a childhood trauma was the event that started all this mess. Traumatic events have amazing power to affect our unconscious minds and generate fear. This is a good thing.
If you’re walking though the jungle and get attacked by a lion, it’s this very same process that stops you repeating the same mistake again. You learn when to fear a lion attack and that is a good thing!
But if trauma is attached to insignificant events, then those insignificant events take on the fear that should be reserved for lion attacks. Say your parents always fought at the dinner table and caused you to be always in a state of anxiety at meals times, then food would become something to fear, by association.
This initial cause can then be strengthened over the years by your attention until life-stopping phobias can result. Now we have a deep problem that’s really hard to shift.
Still… not paying attention to unwanted thoughts is the true solution. But can you do it?
Finding freedom
First, you have to see the field in which the content takes place. There has to be space between your thoughts. When there is a gap, suddenly you notice the thought arising. There is more chance of your being able to choose, when there is space.
But the real bottom line, the true solution, the therapy of therapies is meditation. This is the practice where you learn how to get space between thoughts — where you notice a thought and can look at it with curiosity.
This is where you learn how to be free, where you learn to say “yes” or “no”, where you learn where the off switch is.
If you have no freedom over your thoughts, then you’re merely a physical puppet of mind-energy — a proverbial “leaf in the wind”, with no control over yourself or freedom at all. It’s like getting into your car, shutting your eyes tight and pressing your foot down on the accelerator…
No, we want to choose where the car goes and be able to steer, surely?
You’d have to be crazy…
The other component to my friend’s problem is belief. Of course, he believes his silly thoughts are true… it’s his own mind generating the fear, so if he didn’t believe his own mind he’d have to admit he was crazy.
There are two problems with this. Firstly, he is not the content of his mind and so secondly, he’s not crazy. His mind is working perfectly to the program. It’s the content, the program, the conditioning, that doesn’t serve him.
So, he is not the content. He would still be himself if he’d not had that trauma as a child. Identification with content is a big problem. We define ourselves by the content, by our experiences. But that’s not us.
Our beliefs, experiences and thoughts are often random programmings of life… interesting, often beautiful, sometimes ugly but they’re not us. They define our personality but that’s not us either. “Persona” is Greek for “mask” did you know?
While we identify with all these things we aren’t free to choose something else…
The solutions…
The belief part has to be dislodged as much as possible by reason. In my friend’s case, explaining to him at length why his fear is irrational opens the door to him letting it go and being motivated to do the not-work of distraction — not paying attention.
If he still truly believed his fear was valid, he would never do what’s required because he would still believe the fear served him. Once the understanding is there — that the fear, or the habit of thought does NOT truly serve your best interests, you’re free to try to get rid of it.
You uproot unwanted thought and fear by practicing meditation. It’s tough to see the process for what it is in everyday life when your mind is bombarded by triggers and sensory input constantly. By making everything quiet you see the process for what it is.
I am the background
Here you are… “I AM”
There is the thought.
The thought happened.
The thought has no power unless I give it more attention.
I have choice.
Unless you’ve ever tried to meditate, you won’t understand how little power you have over thoughts that happen to you.
When I first started meditating over 20 years ago, the very first morning, I had 30 minutes meditation planned — I started off just fine… then 20 minutes later I remembered I was supposed to be meditating!
Twenty minutes!
Lost in thought
Thoughts are somewhat like snooker balls. One crashes into another into another into another without ceasing forever and ever and each thought sucks you in — in a word… hell. There’s no peace to be found here, no now, no joy.
We reap what we sow and thoughts are seeds. If you’re not choosing what you sow, you won’t be reaping what you want.
I can’t meditate… it makes it worse!
My friend won’t do it. He won’t do the not-work. He admits he’s lazy but there’s more to it. When he’s having a few good days there’s no motivation. When hell descends on him he’s highly motivated but often in a state of high anxiety.
By the time the thoughts and feelings have escalated into anxiety it’s virtually impossible to rein it in. You have to nip unwanted thoughts in the bud. Spot them arising and withdraw attention before they trigger big emotions and fears.
By the way, if it’s gone pear-shaped and anxiety takes over, the best thing to do is exercise. You’ve got no chance of calming down when you’re pumped with adrenalin.
Also, when he tries to meditate, he has to face his inner demons close up through what feels like a big big magnifying glass and that feels scary at first. The solution to that is to start with relaxation techniques — get out of “fight or flight” and into “the relaxation response”.
So anyway, I can’t convince him and he’s chosen to attempt to just try and not pay attention. This is the slow route as I said, because it’s difficult to see the process with a thousand thoughts, sensory input and internal triggers going on.
You can’t fight the darkness
Meditation teaches you that attention is where the power is. You cannot try to suppress or fight any thought or feeling. That’s just more attention!
The solution is to notice it, let it be, let it go and choose a different focus.
Put your attention onto something else. As difficult as it is to ignore the fair ground stall holder, that’s what’s required. If you go up to him and scream and shout for him to go away, things are likely to get even nastier :-)
At first it takes every ounce of inner strength to hold your attention onto something else, to ignore the unwanted thought. But as you persist, it gets easier and easier until eventually, the thought has no more power over you.
Ignore thoughts you don’t want and hold onto thoughts you do want. That is power! It’s the power to say yes or no. And the same applies to feelings, which are emotional reflections of thoughts.
“I just wanted to say that since I read this article I have had no issues at all. What you wrote cured me and I am totally amazed by it. I am so impressed with the results, I feel totally different and peaceful.
I have seen so many health professionals over my problems, but none has ever come close to the advice that you give. Thanks Mike you have honestly changed my life.”— John Woods, Australia
“For the last week I’ve been practicing indifference towards unwanted thoughts + quick and intense shifting of attention to anything else.
When I started doing it, I got relief in few minutes as the quality of fear associated with these recurring thoughts was gone. Within hours I found calmness and peace growing within me.
It took an initial 3-4 days to have full grasp over the method and develop some more understanding. And now my thoughts have become very much reduced in frequency, and they have lost their power and don’t trouble me anymore. And it’s all because of one technique only.
I am sharing my experiences with other people having O.C.D. on internet and telling them about your website and trying to help them as I got it when I needed it the most. Sir, you have changed my life. and all that I can say is THANK YOU.”— Shivesh, India
Meditation is freedom…
…and that folks, is how you get rid of unwanted thoughts.
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Michael Kinnaird is the author of Happy Guide, the result of a 20 year exploration into what works for health and happiness.
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Hi Mike, from childhood, I believe my Mother has programmed my worries. She was a great woman but very protective and instilled fears into me that took a long time to overcome. And for the most part I have but recently my son had a minor medical skin problem that was taken care of 2 years ago and never returned BUT I still have the thought that it will come back and it drives me crazy. I am driving my other family members nuts as well because I am always checking them and looking at every tiny mark. It really is irrational for me to be doing this. I tell myself it is but at times I struggle with letting it go. I will try the meditation and let you know how I make out. My problem seems different from your friends, mine or more “what ifs”. I know that the issue is silly; I know the odds are extremely tiny and I also know if it happens again, its very controllable but my anxiety takes over. I hope this helps.
Take care
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Hi Bob,
You’re actually in a very good place in that you can see clearly that what’s happening is dysfunctional. That’s a very big hurdle you don’t have to get over. Now you just need your unconscious mind to get with the program.
You do that mainly by your ATTITUDE when the unwanted thoughts pop. And the attitude you need is “don’t care.”
The other biggie is ATTENTION (attitude is actually part of attention but it’s helpful to consider separately). Once you see clearly the dysfunction and you have a very clear way of dealing with it, then why pay attention to meaningless stuff?
Often we can get into a pickle because we get very frustrated that the unwanted thing is there. That’s a major obstacle, because frustration is attention and meaning, caring.
So the master keys to FORGETTING are to remove MEANING and ATTENTION, CONSISTENTLY.
All that adds up to IGNORING every occurrence of an unwanted thought, because ignoring has not caring, and no attention built in. You know how to ignore and that’s great because these things can become very subtle, so it’s good to be ultra CLEAR on your consistent response.
Your mind gives you what you gave meaning to before, so these thing don’t change instantly, they die away, so expect it, and don’t care that your mind takes its time to catch up.
Now… as it says in the article, ignoring is the answer but “Can you do it?” If the answer is no, then throw yourself into meditation, which is the way to expand awareness, step out of identification with thoughts, stop your attention being sucked in such that consciousness and thought are one. And it’s the way to choose, to have the power of yes or no.
Many times, the reason we get into a mess with our thinking is that our brains are wired for a different setup. This info is good to know and understand too:
All the best,
Mike
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Hi, I have been having issues with intrusive thoughts for a while, and I’ve been trying meditation and it has definitely helped! However I feel like I MUST solve these thoughts, that I must think about them until they are solved, and that ignoring them is wrong. I think that this is just part of whole issue and is a bad habit (I’ve always been a worrier!) And that I should just ignore them? I guess what I want is some reassurance that ignoring them is the right thing to do haha! But I just want to say that finding your website has helped me tremendously! I have some very good days where the thoughts don’t bother me at all, but some days (usually after the good days) they can get very bad again. This however is an improvement from everyday being bad though! Also I was wondering if you could explain the difference between thought supression and ignoring the thoughts. When they come up at the moment I just go ‘no’ or ‘ok fine’ and they disappear, they just seem to cut off. (In my minds eye it’s like watching the thought being written in bold handwriting, but once I say no the handwriting becomes fainter and fainter until it just disappears – writing this down sounds a bit crazy haha!) I’m worried however this is suppression! But once I do this they don’t bother me & don’t come back! Whereas from suppression I understand that you tend to say ‘don’t think about it’ but end up doing so anyway. I think what you are doing is great, and I really hope you can help me! Thank you.
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Hiya Please Help (rubbish nickname!! OMG :-)
You’re doing everything right. Please feel reassured :-) You don’t say what the thought actually is, but if it serves no purpose, is dysfunctional, then yes, ignoring is the right response. What would happen if you couldn’t think this thought, if it couldn’t arise? Usually the answer is “nothing bad” or “I’d be free” so if that’s the case, then ignore every occurrence consistently. Blocking by mentally say “No” or “OK fine” or “STOP” or “Blah, blah. blah” is also fine. “Ah, ah” when said as you see the thought forming is also great, as if you suddenly see a child about to do something dangerous and you need to stop it quickly.
Don’t think in terms of suppression but in terms of ATTENTION, and this will clarify things. Blocking is therefore fine — which is stopping the thought fully forming, but holding down would not be, or looking to see if it’s still there etc.
The visualization of fading handwriting is also good… can be a useful way to change the way the mind “sees” a thing or idea… changes the “qualities” attached to the idea.
You’re doing it all right, your reactions to thoughts in the moment, practice of meditation etc… all good, keep going :-)
Well done!
Mike
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Hey Mike
I am very thankful for your advice, it helped me a lot this week. I was able to go two days without having the thoughts. However, when I started meditating the first thought that came was the one that I did not want. I stopped right away and since then my I am feeling hopeless again. And even if I know deep inside that I am not what my ocd is telling me, my biggest concern is that why am I actually thinking about it. Something inside my mind tell it’s because it’s important and that’s what kills me the most. I don’t know what else to tell you Mike but its hard for me to ignore it its like my mind is controlled by an outside force. Is it normal that I have these thoughts when I start meditating? Or its just me. Thank you Mike….
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Hi Sandaga,
Are these thoughts important? YOU decide. Do they serve any purpose? Like it says in the article, deconstructing beliefs helps tremendously to get you to the stage where you are happy to let go. Since you’ve not told me what the thoughts are, they’re obviously very private so if you cannot see them as meaningless yourself, then you need to talk it through with friends or trusted advisers, or your doctor/psychologist to help you see they are meaningless.
Thoughts return with the QUALITY (meaning) you previously gave. They have no inherent meaning. You can change their meaning by your attitude when they pop… “don’t care.” This new quality will start to become associated with the unwanted thought.
Yes, it’s normal to see your thoughts as if magnified when meditating. In normal life, thoughts bounce around, triggering others thoughts, all competing for attention with sensory input and so on. In meditation, you make it all quiet and focus all your attention on the next single thought that pops. So yes, it will seem magnified.
You need to get to the place of not caring whether this thought is there or not, because if you want it to go, it cannot. What you give meaning to will hang around, even if that meaning is “I really don’t want this thought,” attaching emotion to it. Instead be non-reactive, not caring, every single time.
If you find meditation too frightening at this stage, then start with relaxation methods, moving attention into the body… see Happy Guide for more details.
Mike
p.s. If you can go 2 days, you can keep on going forever. The first days are the toughest, so it only gets easier if you simply persist to ignore every single occurrence of the unwanted thought.
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I have pure o i have dealt with it about 20 yrs now sometimes i go long periods dealing with it well and then sometimes i dont and when that happens i feel like im dealing with it for the first time ive read alot about ocd and theres so many ways people tell you how to deal with it i guess you just have to see what works best for you, myself i just want not to have ocd at all but theres no magic trick or snap of the fingers and poof its gone i do like your idea of not thinking on the ocd thought so i guess what im asking is, its ok to say forget it i choose to be free of ocd when the thoughts come
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Hi Kim,
You’ve not given me a lot to go on there but yes, in general forgetting is the desired outcome… it’s not there and you’re not even aware it’s not there. Thoughts you’ve given meaning to, even if that meaning is that you REALLY don’t want it, don’t go poof, that’s true, but they die away. Like a flywheel gradually slows down when you stop putting energy in, or mud settles in a pond when you stop stirring.
Consistently remove meaning and attention from unwanted thoughts and they go. That means IGNORE, consistently.
On a deeper level, is your awareness, level of identification with your thoughts, ability to control attention, and the ability to get to no-thought, no-mind; to know where your OFF switch is. This can be improved by committed practice of meditation.
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Thank you again Mike! I will definetly look into that and start meditating. i will keep in touch with you .
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