A friend of mine is plagued with unwanted thoughts.
He’s been diagnosed with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and I can tell how bad he is at any given moment by the number of times he calls me — he says I say the same stuff as his psychologist but I’m a lot cheaper! :-)
I mean… this is a guy who is bordering on reckless in many areas of his life but is brought to his knees with fear from thoughts that are totally irrational…
If I told you what they were you’d think it was silly but these silly thoughts dominate his life completely.
I don’t believe in the OCD label, at least not in his case. What I see is an extreme example of the issues we all face — the inability to drive our own mental car, the inability to choose the focus of our attention, the inability to see thought for what it really is…
Roll up! Roll up!
My friend and I have the same conversation over and over…
“How do I get rid of these thoughts?”
“You have to not pay attention. There is only one method — distraction. Pay attention to something else.”
Sounds simple eh? It is simple! The question is — can you do it?
Say you’re walking through a fun-fair when one of the stall holders is giving you the hard sell. We’ve all been there. He’s in your face basically, but you know instinctively that any attention you give him will only make the problem worse. If you even look at him you know he just won’t leave you alone.
Some thoughts can be like that — they’re in your face, they urge you in the strongest possible way to act out a certain thing.
Thought becomes you… unless you watch
I was watching a video clip of Eckhart Tolle the other day… He said:
“We notice only the content; we don’t see the field in which the content happens.”
I remember too, a lecture by Alan Watts who drew a circle and asked his students what the circle was. Some said a ball, some said it was the sun and so on. They were all wrong… it was a hole! We don’t notice the background.
Thoughts and feelings can have amazing power. They suck your attention right in and you have no power to stop it. They suck you in so much that you no longer notice the field (you), only the content (thought/feeling).
That’s the problem my friend has. I’ve told him the solution to his problem a thousand times but he’s struggling to actually do it. His thoughts, backed by his belief have too much power.
And make no mistake; we’re talking a lot of power here. OCD = compulsive = no choice. We all have OCD to some extent. Little or no choice.
Thankfully, over time and with constant practice, things are getting better but it’s a tough road and progress is sure, but painfully slow.
Trauma — useful or dangerous?
In his case, a childhood trauma was the event that started all this mess. Traumatic events have amazing power to affect our unconscious minds and generate fear. This is a good thing.
If you’re walking though the jungle and get attacked by a lion, it’s this very same process that stops you repeating the same mistake again. You learn when to fear a lion attack and that is a good thing!
But if trauma is attached to insignificant events, then those insignificant events take on the fear that should be reserved for lion attacks. Say your parents always fought at the dinner table and caused you to be always in a state of anxiety at meals times, then food would become something to fear, by association.
This initial cause can then be strengthened over the years by your attention until life-stopping phobias can result. Now we have a deep problem that’s really hard to shift.
Still… not paying attention to unwanted thoughts is the true solution. But can you do it?
Finding freedom
First, you have to see the field in which the content takes place. There has to be space between your thoughts. When there is a gap, suddenly you notice the thought arising. There is more chance of your being able to choose, when there is space.
But the real bottom line, the true solution, the therapy of therapies is meditation. This is the practice where you learn how to get space between thoughts — where you notice a thought and can look at it with curiosity.
This is where you learn how to be free, where you learn to say “yes” or “no”, where you learn where the off switch is.
If you have no freedom over your thoughts, then you’re merely a physical puppet of mind-energy — a proverbial “leaf in the wind”, with no control over yourself or freedom at all. It’s like getting into your car, shutting your eyes tight and pressing your foot down on the accelerator…
No, we want to choose where the car goes and be able to steer, surely?
You’d have to be crazy…
The other component to my friend’s problem is belief. Of course, he believes his silly thoughts are true… it’s his own mind generating the fear, so if he didn’t believe his own mind he’d have to admit he was crazy.
There are two problems with this. Firstly, he is not the content of his mind and so secondly, he’s not crazy. His mind is working perfectly to the program. It’s the content, the program, the conditioning, that doesn’t serve him.
So, he is not the content. He would still be himself if he’d not had that trauma as a child. Identification with content is a big problem. We define ourselves by the content, by our experiences. But that’s not us.
Our beliefs, experiences and thoughts are often random programmings of life… interesting, often beautiful, sometimes ugly but they’re not us. They define our personality but that’s not us either. “Persona” is Greek for “mask” did you know?
While we identify with all these things we aren’t free to choose something else…
The solutions…
The belief part has to be dislodged as much as possible by reason. In my friend’s case, explaining to him at length why his fear is irrational opens the door to him letting it go and being motivated to do the not-work of distraction — not paying attention.
If he still truly believed his fear was valid, he would never do what’s required because he would still believe the fear served him. Once the understanding is there — that the fear, or the habit of thought does NOT truly serve your best interests, you’re free to try to get rid of it.
You uproot unwanted thought and fear by practicing meditation. It’s tough to see the process for what it is in everyday life when your mind is bombarded by triggers and sensory input constantly. By making everything quiet you see the process for what it is.
I am the background
Here you are… “I AM”
There is the thought.
The thought happened.
The thought has no power unless I give it more attention.
I have choice.
Unless you’ve ever tried to meditate, you won’t understand how little power you have over thoughts that happen to you.
When I first started meditating over 20 years ago, the very first morning, I had 30 minutes meditation planned — I started off just fine… then 20 minutes later I remembered I was supposed to be meditating!
Twenty minutes!
Lost in thought
Thoughts are somewhat like snooker balls. One crashes into another into another into another without ceasing forever and ever and each thought sucks you in — in a word… hell. There’s no peace to be found here, no now, no joy.
We reap what we sow and thoughts are seeds. If you’re not choosing what you sow, you won’t be reaping what you want.
I can’t meditate… it makes it worse!
My friend won’t do it. He won’t do the not-work. He admits he’s lazy but there’s more to it. When he’s having a few good days there’s no motivation. When hell descends on him he’s highly motivated but often in a state of high anxiety.
By the time the thoughts and feelings have escalated into anxiety it’s virtually impossible to rein it in. You have to nip unwanted thoughts in the bud. Spot them arising and withdraw attention before they trigger big emotions and fears.
By the way, if it’s gone pear-shaped and anxiety takes over, the best thing to do is exercise. You’ve got no chance of calming down when you’re pumped with adrenalin.
Also, when he tries to meditate, he has to face his inner demons close up through what feels like a big big magnifying glass and that feels scary at first. The solution to that is to start with relaxation techniques — get out of “fight or flight” and into “the relaxation response”.
So anyway, I can’t convince him and he’s chosen to attempt to just try and not pay attention. This is the slow route as I said, because it’s difficult to see the process with a thousand thoughts, sensory input and internal triggers going on.
You can’t fight the darkness
Meditation teaches you that attention is where the power is. You cannot try to suppress or fight any thought or feeling. That’s just more attention!
The solution is to notice it, let it be, let it go and choose a different focus.
Put your attention onto something else. As difficult as it is to ignore the fair ground stall holder, that’s what’s required. If you go up to him and scream and shout for him to go away, things are likely to get even nastier :-)
At first it takes every ounce of inner strength to hold your attention onto something else, to ignore the unwanted thought. But as you persist, it gets easier and easier until eventually, the thought has no more power over you.
Ignore thoughts you don’t want and hold onto thoughts you do want. That is power! It’s the power to say yes or no. And the same applies to feelings, which are emotional reflections of thoughts.
“I just wanted to say that since I read this article I have had no issues at all. What you wrote cured me and I am totally amazed by it. I am so impressed with the results, I feel totally different and peaceful.
I have seen so many health professionals over my problems, but none has ever come close to the advice that you give. Thanks Mike you have honestly changed my life.”— John Woods, Australia
“For the last week I’ve been practicing indifference towards unwanted thoughts + quick and intense shifting of attention to anything else.
When I started doing it, I got relief in few minutes as the quality of fear associated with these recurring thoughts was gone. Within hours I found calmness and peace growing within me.
It took an initial 3-4 days to have full grasp over the method and develop some more understanding. And now my thoughts have become very much reduced in frequency, and they have lost their power and don’t trouble me anymore. And it’s all because of one technique only.
I am sharing my experiences with other people having O.C.D. on internet and telling them about your website and trying to help them as I got it when I needed it the most. Sir, you have changed my life. and all that I can say is THANK YOU.”— Shivesh, India
Meditation is freedom…
…and that folks, is how you get rid of unwanted thoughts.
Free chapter
Michael Kinnaird is the author of Happy Guide, the result of a 20 year exploration into what works for health and happiness.
Read Chapter 1 “The Happiness Secret”
Or get the paperback…
Keep in touch
Get inspiration in your inbox from Happy Guide…
Happy Guide 
Hi Tyler!
Great you found relief. It sure can be a comfort to trace the cause although it’s not always possible if the problems is like 20 years old or something.
My friend always wanted to know “Why is this happening?” In his case too, although a very old problem, we did trace the cause and like you, he got some relief from that which helped let go of the problem.
Knowing the cause isn’t essential in my view though, only in-as-much as it helps you to let go of it.
Yes… keep in touch!
God bless,
Mike
LikeLike
hey mike!
thanks a who lot man! i took up the idea of retracing my steps of when it first occured and went over it with a family member, they went along with me helping, and this may seem strange, but meditating on the fact and getting deep into it or retracing my steps to that night truely sparked the fire and the fact also becuase i remember going through some other emotional things that night. Other than that theres that good saying “keep asking and it will be given to you” or “keep searching and you will find it” its awesome mike and once again thanks! ill keep in touch with you if anything else comes up
sincerely,
Tyler
P.s. keep up the good work Mike!!!
LikeLike
Hi Tyler,
Thanks for your question. The good news is that by being proactive now, you stop it becoming a potential problem down-the-line. First thing is to stop questioning about it but just notice it when it comes with curiosity. Really resist the temptation to question or give it any importance at all.
Strong, persistent and problematic thoughts such as those in OCD are probably best paid no attention at all in the intital stages because they can trigger powerful emotions very quickly but with you, I think the thought is mild enough to give it the curiosity treatment.
Just look at it curiously when it comes and then let it go and pay attention to something else.
Don’t engage it or follow a line of thought related to it or anything like that.
If you want to start meditation which is a wonderful thing to do, then perhaps try zen breath counting meditation. It’s a good one and perhaps the simplest one. The method is not the essential thing but that there is a conscious focus and preferrably a feedback system to show you where you got lost (e.g. counting)
Let me know how you get on.
Best wishes and good luck,
Mike
LikeLike
hi,
my names tyler,im 18, and in college, okay about two weeks ago i was laying in bed, and i suddenly got an unwanted bad thought, it troubled me up to this day, and i cant ever seem to get rid of it, im not that type of person when the thought came into process, but…it did freak me out quite a bit and now im constantly questioning myself over and over and at times it goes away and other times it comes back..i know itll go away eventually but just the fact that its here…it is just so ANNOYING!!..
but i will appreciate help and some tips on meditation or whatever way there is to get out of it..and another thing, is this just a phase?
LikeLike
Hi Tania,
I don’t mind you writing at all. Write as much as you like to.
There is no evil there in your mind. These thoughts have a lot of power thats all. They repeat their conditioning, that’s what they do. Your attention empowers that process.
My mind will sometimes randomly throw in what you would describe as an evil thought. It’s only by meditation, that I see it’s random rubbish.
For example on rare occasions, a racist thought may surface. It’s just a culturally conditioned thought — not me. I’m not racist at all, just the thought. I recognize it as attitudes and emotions in others that got embedded in me.
The thought was put there by my culture. For example if you hang out with people who have a certain attitude, your mind will begin to take on the same attitude very quickly.
Have you ever spent time with a new friend and within only a few hours, you notice yourself taking on their mannerisms? That’s how the mind works.
Now imagine how every human contact has affected you since birth. Your character is made up of thought habits you had about your enivronment — the sum total of what you focused on and took “on-board” from all your connections with life.
To be truly free you have to control this process. You have to be able to choose — to say “yes” or “no” to conditioning.
There is no other way than to “go higher” through meditation and if that feels scary to you then start with relaxation tapes and CD which will get you out of any states of anxiety you are in.
Anxiety magnifies the process of taking on new conditioning massively. This is totally natural. A dangerous situation such as say a lion attacking you needs you total attention and a hyper alert state.
This is why, by the way, that childhood trauma can result in OCD later on. It starts a chain that eventually becomes hard to stop.
This is early days for you Tania. I think it’s wonderful you’ve made a start but changing your mind takes a while.
Thoughts don’t go away overnight because they’re part of your “program” — conditioning. You change that over time by contolling your attention or specifically, withdrawing attention from thoughts you don’t want.
You have to learn to become the driver of your own mental car so-to-speak.
So, relaxation will remove the anxiety component to this problem adnd that is so so important. I urge you to do relaxation exercises. Put your attention inside your body and feel for tension throughout your whole body, breath deeply and so on. Learn how to do that.
20 odd years ago I was a “walking head.” All my attention was in my head and it took me many years to “get out of my head.”
You also need to learn that process of putting attention into your body, feeling and releasing tension consiously.
These “evil” thoughts. Have a sense of humor about them of you can. Laugh at them! Don’t take them seriously. They are there because of cultural and personal conditioning and that is all.
They are not you. Because you are the one who can notice them.
PERSISTANCE with this is the key. You cannot stop a thought arising because to do so is giving it more attention, and so turning up it’s volume.
Remember the stall holder example in the article? It’s hard to hold your attention onto something else but practice practice practice and these thoughts “volume” will start to be turned down.
And over the next weeks and months, if you do what it takes, the volume will diminish until they go away altogether.
Attention turns the volume up and focusing AWAY turns the volume down. That’s why I said the solution is SIMPLE because it’s only a matter of attention. Are you paying attention to these thoughts or not. That’s the only criteria that matters.
Thoughts have a sense of importance attached. You can laugh at that. They are not important and you are free to let them go.
Keep it simple — don’t pay them the slightest attention. How do you ignore someone in real life? It’s the same. You know how to do it.
Relax and ignore. Be persistent. Be clear about the process.
You only need to choose your attention when the evil thoughts come. Turn away from them. The stronger the thought/image the more intensely you try to focus onto something else.
Mike (not matt :-)
LikeLike