A friend of mine is plagued with unwanted thoughts.
He’s been diagnosed with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and I can tell how bad he is at any given moment by the number of times he calls me — he says I say the same stuff as his psychologist but I’m a lot cheaper! :-)
I mean… this is a guy who is bordering on reckless in many areas of his life but is brought to his knees with fear from thoughts that are totally irrational…
If I told you what they were you’d think it was silly but these silly thoughts dominate his life completely.
I don’t believe in the OCD label, at least not in his case. What I see is an extreme example of the issues we all face — the inability to drive our own mental car, the inability to choose the focus of our attention, the inability to see thought for what it really is…
Roll up! Roll up!
My friend and I have the same conversation over and over…
“How do I get rid of these thoughts?”
“You have to not pay attention. There is only one method — distraction. Pay attention to something else.”
Sounds simple eh? It is simple! The question is — can you do it?
Say you’re walking through a fun-fair when one of the stall holders is giving you the hard sell. We’ve all been there. He’s in your face basically, but you know instinctively that any attention you give him will only make the problem worse. If you even look at him you know he just won’t leave you alone.
Some thoughts can be like that — they’re in your face, they urge you in the strongest possible way to act out a certain thing.
Thought becomes you… unless you watch
I was watching a video clip of Eckhart Tolle the other day… He said:
“We notice only the content; we don’t see the field in which the content happens.”
I remember too, a lecture by Alan Watts who drew a circle and asked his students what the circle was. Some said a ball, some said it was the sun and so on. They were all wrong… it was a hole! We don’t notice the background.
Thoughts and feelings can have amazing power. They suck your attention right in and you have no power to stop it. They suck you in so much that you no longer notice the field (you), only the content (thought/feeling).
That’s the problem my friend has. I’ve told him the solution to his problem a thousand times but he’s struggling to actually do it. His thoughts, backed by his belief have too much power.
And make no mistake; we’re talking a lot of power here. OCD = compulsive = no choice. We all have OCD to some extent. Little or no choice.
Thankfully, over time and with constant practice, things are getting better but it’s a tough road and progress is sure, but painfully slow.
Trauma — useful or dangerous?
In his case, a childhood trauma was the event that started all this mess. Traumatic events have amazing power to affect our unconscious minds and generate fear. This is a good thing.
If you’re walking though the jungle and get attacked by a lion, it’s this very same process that stops you repeating the same mistake again. You learn when to fear a lion attack and that is a good thing!
But if trauma is attached to insignificant events, then those insignificant events take on the fear that should be reserved for lion attacks. Say your parents always fought at the dinner table and caused you to be always in a state of anxiety at meals times, then food would become something to fear, by association.
This initial cause can then be strengthened over the years by your attention until life-stopping phobias can result. Now we have a deep problem that’s really hard to shift.
Still… not paying attention to unwanted thoughts is the true solution. But can you do it?
Finding freedom
First, you have to see the field in which the content takes place. There has to be space between your thoughts. When there is a gap, suddenly you notice the thought arising. There is more chance of your being able to choose, when there is space.
But the real bottom line, the true solution, the therapy of therapies is meditation. This is the practice where you learn how to get space between thoughts — where you notice a thought and can look at it with curiosity.
This is where you learn how to be free, where you learn to say “yes” or “no”, where you learn where the off switch is.
If you have no freedom over your thoughts, then you’re merely a physical puppet of mind-energy — a proverbial “leaf in the wind”, with no control over yourself or freedom at all. It’s like getting into your car, shutting your eyes tight and pressing your foot down on the accelerator…
No, we want to choose where the car goes and be able to steer, surely?
You’d have to be crazy…
The other component to my friend’s problem is belief. Of course, he believes his silly thoughts are true… it’s his own mind generating the fear, so if he didn’t believe his own mind he’d have to admit he was crazy.
There are two problems with this. Firstly, he is not the content of his mind and so secondly, he’s not crazy. His mind is working perfectly to the program. It’s the content, the program, the conditioning, that doesn’t serve him.
So, he is not the content. He would still be himself if he’d not had that trauma as a child. Identification with content is a big problem. We define ourselves by the content, by our experiences. But that’s not us.
Our beliefs, experiences and thoughts are often random programmings of life… interesting, often beautiful, sometimes ugly but they’re not us. They define our personality but that’s not us either. “Persona” is Greek for “mask” did you know?
While we identify with all these things we aren’t free to choose something else…
The solutions…
The belief part has to be dislodged as much as possible by reason. In my friend’s case, explaining to him at length why his fear is irrational opens the door to him letting it go and being motivated to do the not-work of distraction — not paying attention.
If he still truly believed his fear was valid, he would never do what’s required because he would still believe the fear served him. Once the understanding is there — that the fear, or the habit of thought does NOT truly serve your best interests, you’re free to try to get rid of it.
You uproot unwanted thought and fear by practicing meditation. It’s tough to see the process for what it is in everyday life when your mind is bombarded by triggers and sensory input constantly. By making everything quiet you see the process for what it is.
I am the background
Here you are… “I AM”
There is the thought.
The thought happened.
The thought has no power unless I give it more attention.
I have choice.
Unless you’ve ever tried to meditate, you won’t understand how little power you have over thoughts that happen to you.
When I first started meditating over 20 years ago, the very first morning, I had 30 minutes meditation planned — I started off just fine… then 20 minutes later I remembered I was supposed to be meditating!
Twenty minutes!
Lost in thought
Thoughts are somewhat like snooker balls. One crashes into another into another into another without ceasing forever and ever and each thought sucks you in — in a word… hell. There’s no peace to be found here, no now, no joy.
We reap what we sow and thoughts are seeds. If you’re not choosing what you sow, you won’t be reaping what you want.
I can’t meditate… it makes it worse!
My friend won’t do it. He won’t do the not-work. He admits he’s lazy but there’s more to it. When he’s having a few good days there’s no motivation. When hell descends on him he’s highly motivated but often in a state of high anxiety.
By the time the thoughts and feelings have escalated into anxiety it’s virtually impossible to rein it in. You have to nip unwanted thoughts in the bud. Spot them arising and withdraw attention before they trigger big emotions and fears.
By the way, if it’s gone pear-shaped and anxiety takes over, the best thing to do is exercise. You’ve got no chance of calming down when you’re pumped with adrenalin.
Also, when he tries to meditate, he has to face his inner demons close up through what feels like a big big magnifying glass and that feels scary at first. The solution to that is to start with relaxation techniques — get out of “fight or flight” and into “the relaxation response”.
So anyway, I can’t convince him and he’s chosen to attempt to just try and not pay attention. This is the slow route as I said, because it’s difficult to see the process with a thousand thoughts, sensory input and internal triggers going on.
You can’t fight the darkness
Meditation teaches you that attention is where the power is. You cannot try to suppress or fight any thought or feeling. That’s just more attention!
The solution is to notice it, let it be, let it go and choose a different focus.
Put your attention onto something else. As difficult as it is to ignore the fair ground stall holder, that’s what’s required. If you go up to him and scream and shout for him to go away, things are likely to get even nastier :-)
At first it takes every ounce of inner strength to hold your attention onto something else, to ignore the unwanted thought. But as you persist, it gets easier and easier until eventually, the thought has no more power over you.
Ignore thoughts you don’t want and hold onto thoughts you do want. That is power! It’s the power to say yes or no. And the same applies to feelings, which are emotional reflections of thoughts.
“I just wanted to say that since I read this article I have had no issues at all. What you wrote cured me and I am totally amazed by it. I am so impressed with the results, I feel totally different and peaceful.
I have seen so many health professionals over my problems, but none has ever come close to the advice that you give. Thanks Mike you have honestly changed my life.”— John Woods, Australia
“For the last week I’ve been practicing indifference towards unwanted thoughts + quick and intense shifting of attention to anything else.
When I started doing it, I got relief in few minutes as the quality of fear associated with these recurring thoughts was gone. Within hours I found calmness and peace growing within me.
It took an initial 3-4 days to have full grasp over the method and develop some more understanding. And now my thoughts have become very much reduced in frequency, and they have lost their power and don’t trouble me anymore. And it’s all because of one technique only.
I am sharing my experiences with other people having O.C.D. on internet and telling them about your website and trying to help them as I got it when I needed it the most. Sir, you have changed my life. and all that I can say is THANK YOU.”— Shivesh, India
Meditation is freedom…
…and that folks, is how you get rid of unwanted thoughts.
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Michael Kinnaird is the author of Happy Guide, the result of a 20 year exploration into what works for health and happiness.
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Hiya “O”
You CANNOT think your way out. That simply adds to the maze of unwanted thoughts. It’s more attention.
There are lots of meditation techniques. A simple one is to count your breaths. Sit down with your back upright and cup your hands on your lap.
Simply become aware of your breathing and count each outbreath 1…2…3… up to 10 and start again from 1. If you lose track, start again from one.
Anxiety: this as you said is fight or flight so the best thing to do is “fight or flight.” Hit a puch bag for 5 minutes, go for a run, do press ups, skip, beat up your pillows… whatever you can do that’s appropriate in that moment.
You have to try to stop thoughts triggering anxiety. Do this by taking your attention away from unwanted thoughts QUICKLY.
Have a consistent re-direct. I suggest just pick something that you can see around you and rivet your attention onto it. You are choosing not to pay attention to the unwanted thought and instead, to pay attention to you chosen object.
This consistent re-direct will become a new thought habit and whenever the unwanted thought comes up you will automatically intensely focus elsewhere.
And you get better at spotting the arising thought which will improve your ability to quickly take your attention away before it triggers the anxiety.
Trust your feelings to find the truth. Not the feelings that comes with unwanted thoughts but the deeper ones that are there when you are very quiet.
Mike
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Thanks Mike,
It is hard because these thoughts have hung around for so long, I start to feel I want to leave. But I think thats only because of the anxiety this causes me. When we are together, things never seem quite so bad.
I think the key is that despite feeling like I want to, I try everything in my power to stop myself and look for solutions/tell myself solutions to combat these thoughts. I know I care for her, whenever shes upset all my ill feelings are put aside just so I can try and make her feel better. I’ve just got to stop evaluating every single moment we have together, I know there are going to be low times. It would be stupid to think otherwise but when it does happen it seems like theres no hope and its the end.
With your advice I think I can make a go of it. Though I do have a couple of questions. First off, where could I go for advice/methods on meditation. I must admit I have no idea! Second, when I get these thoughts I become extremely anxious and it makes me want to run away. Any methods you can suggest to help me calm that down, because I reckon I could deal with these thoughts a bit better if the physical panicky symptoms weren’t quite so bad. I just want to shut down my fight or flight cause its causing me immense pain and confusion.
Fortunately for me she is very supportive and is trying to help me through this.
(btw thanks for the speedy reply, very much appreciated)
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Hi Overthinker,
Thoughts and beliefs become thought habits that we identify with and that’s the problem right there.
So once you recognize that this is just a conditioned thought and therefore “not true” you are free to get rid of it.
You can only get rid of it by ignoring it, taking your attention away and giving it “no importance.”
Unwanted thoughts will hang around because they are conditioned. They come up by association, by being triggered.
But if you persistently and consistently take your attention AWAY from unwanted thoughts, the quanity and intensity will gadually die away.
All of this assumes you have the ability to do it. And that means AWARENESS. You simply cannot do a thing about unwanted thoughts if your whole attention is sucked into them and if you IDENTIFY with them.
There is you and there is the thought… 2 things. That’s what you need to start with. You have “to catch yourself” doing it… meaning you have that stand-back position. You are the observer, the witness of thoughts.
The best way to learn this is meditation. Regular meditation will make you life a whole lot happier because you learn to no longer just be a puppet of thinking. You get to choose “yes” or “no” to thoughts.
And that means a choice to give more attention to any idea or not.
So… start regular meditation… even just 5 minutes at the same time every day. This will gradually improve thought awareness and your ability to choose.
Then in every day life, practice “mindfulness” which simply means giving all your attention to what you are doing. It’s like meditation but the focus is what you’re doing, what is happening.
When you have a focus, you have a frame of reference by which you can notice thoughts IN CONTRAST.
So you learn not to split your attention.
If thoughts are swirling then intensify the practice. RIVET your attention onto something you choose, or RIVET you attention inward and catch the next thought that comes out.
Again this takes you higher into awareness where you actually have choice.
It’s about ATTENTION and choosing where to put it.
Learn to meditate, and take attention away quickly from unwanted thoughts to diffuse their power.
Pretty soon you will laugh at these little gremlins pretending to be you.
They are simpy comditioned… by you in innocence of what you’re doing, by your culture, your peers, by the media, by movies and adverts. To believe thoughts are you, to identifiy with them is a big big problem.
You can see how you yourself created this by your focus onto an idea which you built into something bigger, gave it power by your attention.
So the solution is to do the opposite. Remove your attention and these thoughts will diminish over time.
Good luck! Let me know how you get on.
Mike
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Hi Mike,
Came across this site a while ago and was hoping that you’d be able to offer some advice. My stories not that dissimilar to anon who you were talking to some time ago.
I have been in a relationship for just over two years now on and off. About eight months in, I was a bit bored in the relationship I guess and I wondered what was wrong, constantly looking for a solution. Then all of a sudden I considered the worst case scenario that I didn’t love her anymore. I should have just assumed that the infatuation stage was over e.t.c. but once I’d had this horrible thought, not only did I start to believe it, but I started panicking and believing I wanted to leave.
I stuck with it though, however I found myself constantly evaluating the relationship all the time! It was all I had in my life at that point, and I guess I just had this unrealistic vision of love that its constant infatuation. We still managed to have great times despite this, and my favourite thing was to treat her. However if something went wrong, I felt low or something reminded me of what had previously hapened, I would start to think I didn’t love her anymore.
It eventually got too much for me and I gave into these desires to leave. I was devastated, but things improved because I wasn’t constantly thinking about the situation. Then one day I heard she had moved on, (she hadn’t luckily) and I was so heartbroken it was untrue!! I tried to convince myself it was jealousy but I wasn’t convinced. So three months after we split, we saw each other again. I was immediately attracted to her again, I knew I cared for her, and we had a good time. So we have decided to give it another go. Just more slowly (we no longer live together).
Problem is that because I never found a solution to the original problem and I keep repeating these beliefs that I don’t love her and I don’t care. But if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be putting myself through all this surely?! We have great times together when I am not thinking about this and to be honest apart from this thing with my mind, there is nothing else wrong with the relationship and I know if I did leave I would just look for someone else like her and kick myself for giving up over something so trivial.
I constantly search the net looking for consolation in that I can fall back in love. People I’ve spoken to believe I’ve never lost the love and neither does she. I guess I must love her, I do care for her a lot. But then when I think that, my mind seems to counter it in an attempt to assess its absolutely true! How do I stop thinking these thoughts so I can give this relationship a proper try? I know that it could work if I could get rid of these thoughts!!
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Hi Michaela,
A few things to do and understand straight away;
1. Simply notice the thoughts coming in and and let them go. Don’t engage them. Don’t have a conversation with unwanted thoughts. Once you’ve identifed a thought as unwanted, give it no attention.
2. Understand: thoughts aren’t absolutely true, they are conditioned. That means the more you engage them the more they come up, the more you make them HABIT and the harder they are to shift.
3. Do not give the quality of “importance” to unwanted thoughts. Do the opposite… attach a quality of “no importance”… shrug them off.
4. Try to get gaps between thoughts. Don’t have a constant dialogue in your head. There is a whole chapter in Happy Guide that shows you how to do this effectively.
5. If your mind is swirling, pick something external like a tree or a flower and stare at it with as much intensity as you can muster. Do it for about 10 secs. Your mind will go quiet. Then go back to letting thoughts come and go, noticing the gaps (background) with as much attention as the thought (content).
6. Don’t try to “hold them down.” That is attention. Attention is the volume control for thoughts.
7. Understand: The quality of thoughts is related to your overall lifestyle. Look after yourself well.
8. Don’t look for trouble; don’t look for unwanted thoughts to see if they are still there or project an unwanted scenario into your imagined future.
Practice these things with enthusiasm and persistance and they will transform the way you think.
Sorry if my amswer seems a bit staccato, I thought a bullet list would be more effective for you right now and give you some quick relief from the pain of these unwanted thoughts :-) I will write to you personally tomorrow.
Ciao for now,
M x
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