How to get rid of unwanted thoughts

© Kees de Vos

A friend of mine is plagued with unwanted thoughts.

He’s been diagnosed with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and I can tell how bad he is at any given moment by the number of times he calls me — he says I say the same stuff as his psychologist but I’m a lot cheaper! :-)

I mean… this is a guy who is bordering on reckless in many areas of his life but is brought to his knees with fear from thoughts that are totally irrational…

If I told you what they were you’d think it was silly but these silly thoughts dominate his life completely.

I don’t believe in the OCD label, at least not in his case. What I see is an extreme example of the issues we all face — the inability to drive our own mental car, the inability to choose the focus of our attention, the inability to see thought for what it really is…

Roll up! Roll up!

My friend and I have the same conversation over and over…

“How do I get rid of these thoughts?”

“You have to not pay attention. There is only one method — distraction. Pay attention to something else.”

Sounds simple eh? It is simple! The question is — can you do it?

Say you’re walking through a fun-fair when one of the stall holders is giving you the hard sell. We’ve all been there. He’s in your face basically, but you know instinctively that any attention you give him will only make the problem worse. If you even look at him you know he just won’t leave you alone.

Some thoughts can be like that — they’re in your face, they urge you in the strongest possible way to act out a certain thing.

Thought becomes you… unless you watch

I was watching a video clip of Eckhart Tolle the other day… He said:

“We notice only the content; we don’t see the field in which the content happens.”

I remember too, a lecture by Alan Watts who drew a circle and asked his students what the circle was. Some said a ball, some said it was the sun and so on. They were all wrong… it was a hole! We don’t notice the background.

Thoughts and feelings can have amazing power. They suck your attention right in and you have no power to stop it. They suck you in so much that you no longer notice the field (you), only the content (thought/feeling).

That’s the problem my friend has. I’ve told him the solution to his problem a thousand times but he’s struggling to actually do it. His thoughts, backed by his belief have too much power.

And make no mistake; we’re talking a lot of power here. OCD = compulsive = no choice. We all have OCD to some extent. Little or no choice.

Thankfully, over time and with constant practice, things are getting better but it’s a tough road and progress is sure, but painfully slow.

Trauma — useful or dangerous?

In his case, a childhood trauma was the event that started all this mess. Traumatic events have amazing power to affect our unconscious minds and generate fear. This is a good thing.

If you’re walking though the jungle and get attacked by a lion, it’s this very same process that stops you repeating the same mistake again. You learn when to fear a lion attack and that is a good thing!

But if trauma is attached to insignificant events, then those insignificant events take on the fear that should be reserved for lion attacks. Say your parents always fought at the dinner table and caused you to be always in a state of anxiety at meals times, then food would become something to fear, by association.

This initial cause can then be strengthened over the years by your attention until life-stopping phobias can result. Now we have a deep problem that’s really hard to shift.

Still… not paying attention to unwanted thoughts is the true solution. But can you do it?

Finding freedom

First, you have to see the field in which the content takes place. There has to be space between your thoughts. When there is a gap, suddenly you notice the thought arising. There is more chance of your being able to choose, when there is space.

But the real bottom line, the true solution, the therapy of therapies is meditation. This is the practice where you learn how to get space between thoughts — where you notice a thought and can look at it with curiosity.

This is where you learn how to be free, where you learn to say “yes” or “no”, where you learn where the off switch is.

If you have no freedom over your thoughts, then you’re merely a physical puppet of mind-energy — a proverbial “leaf in the wind”, with no control over yourself or freedom at all. It’s like getting into your car, shutting your eyes tight and pressing your foot down on the accelerator…

No, we want to choose where the car goes and be able to steer, surely?

You’d have to be crazy…

The other component to my friend’s problem is belief. Of course, he believes his silly thoughts are true… it’s his own mind generating the fear, so if he didn’t believe his own mind he’d have to admit he was crazy.

There are two problems with this. Firstly, he is not the content of his mind and so secondly, he’s not crazy. His mind is working perfectly to the program. It’s the content, the program, the conditioning, that doesn’t serve him.

So, he is not the content. He would still be himself if he’d not had that trauma as a child. Identification with content is a big problem. We define ourselves by the content, by our experiences. But that’s not us.

Our beliefs, experiences and thoughts are often random programmings of life… interesting, often beautiful, sometimes ugly but they’re not us. They define our personality but that’s not us either. “Persona” is Greek for “mask” did you know?

While we identify with all these things we aren’t free to choose something else…

The solutions…

The belief part has to be dislodged as much as possible by reason. In my friend’s case, explaining to him at length why his fear is irrational opens the door to him letting it go and being motivated to do the not-work of distraction — not paying attention.

If he still truly believed his fear was valid, he would never do what’s required because he would still believe the fear served him. Once the understanding is there — that the fear, or the habit of thought does NOT truly serve your best interests, you’re free to try to get rid of it.

You uproot unwanted thought and fear by practicing meditation. It’s tough to see the process for what it is in everyday life when your mind is bombarded by triggers and sensory input constantly. By making everything quiet you see the process for what it is.

I am the background

Here you are… “I AM”

There is the thought.

The thought happened.

The thought has no power unless I give it more attention.

I have choice.

Unless you’ve ever tried to meditate, you won’t understand how little power you have over thoughts that happen to you.

When I first started meditating over 20 years ago, the very first morning, I had 30 minutes meditation planned — I started off just fine… then 20 minutes later I remembered I was supposed to be meditating!

Twenty minutes!

Lost in thought

Thoughts are somewhat like snooker balls. One crashes into another into another into another without ceasing forever and ever and each thought sucks you in — in a word… hell. There’s no peace to be found here, no now, no joy.

We reap what we sow and thoughts are seeds. If you’re not choosing what you sow, you won’t be reaping what you want.

I can’t meditate… it makes it worse!

My friend won’t do it. He won’t do the not-work. He admits he’s lazy but there’s more to it. When he’s having a few good days there’s no motivation. When hell descends on him he’s highly motivated but often in a state of high anxiety.

By the time the thoughts and feelings have escalated into anxiety it’s virtually impossible to rein it in. You have to nip unwanted thoughts in the bud. Spot them arising and withdraw attention before they trigger big emotions and fears.

By the way, if it’s gone pear-shaped and anxiety takes over, the best thing to do is exercise. You’ve got no chance of calming down when you’re pumped with adrenalin.

Also, when he tries to meditate, he has to face his inner demons close up through what feels like a big big magnifying glass and that feels scary at first. The solution to that is to start with relaxation techniques — get out of “fight or flight” and into “the relaxation response”.

So anyway, I can’t convince him and he’s chosen to attempt to just try and not pay attention. This is the slow route as I said, because it’s difficult to see the process with a thousand thoughts, sensory input and internal triggers going on.

You can’t fight the darkness

Meditation teaches you that attention is where the power is. You cannot try to suppress or fight any thought or feeling. That’s just more attention!

The solution is to notice it, let it be, let it go and choose a different focus.

Put your attention onto something else. As difficult as it is to ignore the fair ground stall holder, that’s what’s required. If you go up to him and scream and shout for him to go away, things are likely to get even nastier :-)

At first it takes every ounce of inner strength to hold your attention onto something else, to ignore the unwanted thought. But as you persist, it gets easier and easier until eventually, the thought has no more power over you.

Ignore thoughts you don’t want and hold onto thoughts you do want. That is power! It’s the power to say yes or no. And the same applies to feelings, which are emotional reflections of thoughts.

“I just wanted to say that since I read this article I have had no issues at all. What you wrote cured me and I am totally amazed by it. I am so impressed with the results, I feel totally different and peaceful.

I have seen so many health professionals over my problems, but none has ever come close to the advice that you give. Thanks Mike you have honestly changed my life.”— John Woods, Australia

“For the last week I’ve been practicing indifference towards unwanted thoughts + quick and intense shifting of attention to anything else.

When I started doing it, I got relief in few minutes as the quality of fear associated with these recurring thoughts was gone. Within hours I found calmness and peace growing within me.

It took an initial 3-4 days to have full grasp over the method and develop some more understanding. And now my thoughts have become very much reduced in frequency, and they have lost their power and don’t trouble me anymore. And it’s all because of one technique only.

I am sharing my experiences with other people having O.C.D. on internet and telling them about your website and trying to help them as I got it when I needed it the most. Sir, you have changed my life. and all that I can say is THANK YOU.”— Shivesh, India

Meditation is freedom…

…and that folks, is how you get rid of unwanted thoughts.

Free chapter

Michael Kinnaird is the author of Happy Guide, the result of a 20 year exploration into what works for health and happiness.

Read Chapter 1 “The Happiness Secret”
Or get the paperback…

Keep in touch

Get inspiration in your inbox from Happy Guide

696 thoughts on “How to get rid of unwanted thoughts

  1. That makes a lot of sense Mike, thanks. Really appreciate your reply. My counsellor said also that he is expecting that these thoughts will decrease dramatically once exams are over

    Like

  2. Hi Anon,

    Lifestyle is the solution to better quality thoughts. In the moment, once a thought arises, you choose “yes” or “no” to giving it more attention.

    You, at least, can recognize that the quality of these thoughts are poor. Therefore choose “no.”

    Yes it is very difficult once you latch on. The very word you used there implies attachment and ownership.

    You chose “yes” at an earlier point and built this thought up and made it part of “you.” You attached yourself.

    The low level stress of your exams will be playing into this. Are you in “fight or flight” mode or relaxed? Anxiety states produce very irrational thoughts because that state is not designed for you to be rational. It’s designed to save your life in a crisis, when your life is threatened. It’s not a state you want to be in for more than a few seconds.

    To think better thoughts about x and about your life you need to address all your lifestyle factors. Every single thing affects every other thing.

    Listen to relaxation cd’s, exercise, eat plenty of fruits and veg, MEDITATE! Evern a few minutes a day will help.

    Get all the lifestyle factors into a habit so that creating quality thoughts is effortless.

    Body and mind are not separate. For example — the disturbing dream I had? Because I ate late at night. Partially digested food affects your brain! It’s the same blood circulating in your brain as the rest of your body.

    Everything affects every other thing. Walking is a great balancer in a crisis.

    It’s a two prong attack :-) In the moment it’s always simple — “yes” or “no.” But the quality of thoughts AND you ability to say yes or no depend on your overall STATE of being and that is caused by your lifestyle.

    What do you think about that?

    Mike

    Like

  3. Thanks Mike. It just get’s extremely difficult once I latch on to let go. As I’ve told you before about X. Since I last spoke, we’ve gotten back together again. Because I know that the thoughts aren’t true and that I love her. And it’s hurting both of us by attaching meaning to my thoughts. Just lately following a small argument we had, some thoughts have gotten into my brain. Just small things which I’ve been analysing, which are really starting to frustrate me. Just in relation to how much she talks to me, and what she says to me. I really don’t wanna think about those negative thoughts, because I know they’re not real at all. But equally, I want to be able to think about her in general. Like nice thoughts about everything about her. But I want to do this without suddenly triggering my mind off. Thoughts?

    Thank you again so much.

    Like

  4. Hi Anon,

    There’s so many factors feeding into what thoughts arise that there’s no point trying to untangle all that.

    Habit is a massive factor, but also your lifestyle — whether you slept well, stress levels, nutrition and so-on.

    The content of the thought or what made it come up are not the important things.

    As you say… you KNOW the thought is wrong/dysfunctional.

    Choose.

    “yes” or “no” to giving it more attention.

    Attention is everything. Attention is the volume control for thoughts.

    Last night I had a deepy disturbing dream. Luckily I know what to do but I can easily see how it would be easy to dwell on that dream I had — what does it mean? Is it a premonition? Blah blah.

    I know that attention is the key. Even though there are still emotional reminants from that dream that linger, I know they’ll go in a little while if I pay no attention and attach no importance to flashes from the dream or the emotions.

    You can’t get rid of unwanted thoughts directly. You do it by letting them go — by not attaching importance to them and then paying attention to something else.

    A critical component is your level of consciousness of ability to disidentify with the content of thought and say “here I am and there is the thought/feeling.”

    Be careful what you feed your mind and what you pay attention to!

    Let me know how you get on.

    Mike

    Like

  5. Hi there Mike.
    I won’t go into detail too much because I need to study for exams. But last week a [moderated] thought came into my head. Unfortunately I’ve latched onto it. I don’t believe it for a second, but it’s getting in the way of my brain and thinking. I am really over this. Please help what can I do?

    I know it’s not true, but I need it out of my brain.

    Like

Leave a comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s