Jane asks…
“I am struggling at the moment. I’m having trouble with controlling my thoughts. I’ve developed a habit of thinking negatively which is so unlike me but I can’t seem to stop.
And I’m starting to feel that I am projecting negative energy even though I am trying so hard to stay positive. And we all know negative energy just attracts more negative energy. I’m not a positive affirmations sort of girl so I’ve only tried them half heartedly: the negative voice in my head just shouts them down.
I think the main problem is that I feel incredibly lonely, even though I have wonderful friends and family who I know are there for me. I don’t have a partner at the moment and haven’t for a couple of years and I’m at that stage where everyone else around me seems to be moving forward: buying houses, getting married, having babies while I feel like I’m in some sort of holding pattern.
I feel unfulfilled and like I’m drifting through life without a purpose. At the end of the day isn’t loving someone and being loved what life is all about?”
“Negative energy attracts more negative energy” — it’s great you’ve got that clarity, we can work with that.
First of all I’d say “Stay focused on your lifestyle” and getting the six lifestyle elements bedded in as good habits so you’re flying along.
A happy body makes for a happy mood and when your biochemistry is in the fantastic to utterly amazing range, it’s hard to feel bad! :-)
Love and be loved yes, and the more you are in your “YOU” space, the closer you are to love and the more you love everybody and everything. And with love being the ultimate in good feelings, that’s going to attract awesome stuff to you. So where to go from here…
Keep doing the good stuff in terms of lifestyle as I said and now work on your mind.
Stay in the moment and keep coming back to “YOU,” your center over and over and over ’til it’s your default place… the place you always come back to… “no-mind.”
Do this by going into “listening” mode at all the “inbetween moments.” Whenever there is a gap or pause or between activities, stop, return to you and stay in this alert listening place as much as possible.
Do it as a meditation each day too, to get max benefits and speed things along.
Now… your DESIRE.
You need to shift your desire to pure positivity. Bless your friends for showing you more clarity about what you want. Look at what you envy about them and imagine “It would be wonderful to have that.”
That is a pure positive feeling. No sense of LACK.
At the moment you are focused on not having what you want and that is creating negativity in you.
“For to those who have, more will be given, and they will have an abundance; but from those who have nothing, even what they have will be taken away.”
— JC
So… what to do.
Focus PURELY on the outcome. This is tough at first because negativity becomes a habit as all things do but begin to turn it around. Ponder the end-state you want. Think the thoughts and feel the feelings that feel good as a result of the thinking.
Think NOTHING or think happy :-)
If you are being negative then simply notice “There is negativity in me.”
What you resist persists, what you LOOK AT disappears.
Give it a good dose of looking at then distract back to what you were doing, giving the unwanted thing the cold shoulder. Be indifferent, give no importance and distract. Recall your ever clearer thought-feeling about what you want in pure form.
So… acceptance of where you are… no resistance and put a little energy behind CREATION of what you’d like next as a fun thing to do. Not brow beating, not sadness that it isn’t here… just a fun creation.
And as you work on biochemisty, on pure thoughts, on no-mind and love, your positivity will flourish and the new positive vibe will attract more positive energy in the same way the negative stuff does.
OK Jane… lemme know if this is ultra clear for you now. If not, we can thrash it out until it is.
It’s all in Happy Guide by the way… all the stuff I’m talking about here is in there. Reading it a little bit each day is a fantastic way to get a daily dose of inspiration and gain clarity of how it all works and what to do.
All the best and keep me in the loop,
Oh I forgot… I wanted to say… affirmations are great for installing new beliefs, not so good for changing your state.
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Michael Kinnaird is the author of Happy Guide, the result of a 20 year exploration into what works for health and happiness.
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Happy Guide 
You’re very welcome Jane. It sounds like your negativity is more habit than substance. “Thinking before you speak” will give you distance from your thoughts. Now you can choose whether they really reflect you, whether you want to verbalize them, whether you want to act on them.
Listening to, watching your thoughts in this way… It’s a great habit to get into. Because now you have choice, freedom. When you’re the master of your own mind, you can choose exactly who you want to be, and what you want to bring to your relationship.
Choose to be “present” in your relationship, and put thinking back in its place as something you do only when it’s needed… I think you’re very much on the right track now Jane :-)
Take care,
James
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Thank you james, i will try and think before i speak and that will be more positive. my otherhalf is a man that i have always wished for and more. i just need to get use to new ways, like not getting to see alot of each other and not let me think negative because of that. i do love him very much and need to stop saying silly things. when i do see him and we have time together we are good together and i think to myself thank you god for making my life so great with him. i want to change because he is so positive and trys to make me think that way too. i need to try harder and grow up instead of acting silly and enjoy life. i will do it and make amends. thanks again
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Hi Jane. Anything that you’re AWARE you’re doing, you can stop doing. So you’ve already taken the first step :-)
Can I ask — is there any “truth” behind your negativity toward your partner? Does he act thoughtlessly, selfishly?
If not, then you can acknowledge your negativity as a bad habit that can be “let go.” You do this by “listening” to your thoughts as they arise and then ignoring the negative/unhelpful ones. The easiest way to do this is to redirect your attention back to what you were doing, or even onto a positive/appreciative thought.
This itself will then become a habit, so your negativity can be “turned” to become a powerful positive force in your life.
Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that your “base mood” (and therefore your resulting thoughts and feelings) arise as a result of your physiology.
It’s hard to feel good and be positive when you’re tired and not properly nourished (for example). The best thing you can do for your relationship is make sure you’re checking those 6 health boxes in Happy Guide. It’s the most direct route to feeling good all the time.
And happiness rubs off on other people, just as negativity does… No man is an island, as they say :-)
Hope this helps Jane.
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I really want to be happy with my new otherhalf but i feel like i am talking negative all the time and can’t stop this even if i want to. i want to enjoy life with him instead of wasting time being like this. he is very positive and i want to be to. thanks
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