Peter asks…
“Almost all my life I’ve been addicted to negative thinking and I’ve been diagnosed with the possibility of OCD. I have a few problems that I’m working on — the most annoying is this one:
My mind somehow got in the habit of bringing back experiences that I hate from the past, and attaching them to the things or activities that I do like — it sounds weird but I’ll give an example:
If I’m cutting some paper — some decoration, and I hear a name of someone that I hate on the radio, my mind digs the old bad experiences up — and tries to attach it to the cutting. So next time when I do a similar cutting, my mind will probably pick that emotion and I will go through it again.
I’m trying to manage this by focusing on something else. But the problem is that when I try to hide that memory which was just brought to me, I can’t simply think of something positive, because I’m afraid the bad memory will get associated with it.
I was reading an article about this:
‘Letting go’ of something that is bothering you means refusing to dwell on it, obsess over it, focus on it, worry about it, fume over it, and so on. Instead, you simply set it aside and turn your attention to other tasks that don’t upset you….
This is exactly what’s almost impossible for me, because the positive things get associated with the negative ones… sometimes I’m even scared to talk with some people on some days (the days I wanna do something that I like), as those people might mention the names of people that I hated.
I’m afraid the few things that I enjoy will get corrupted by association with bad memories. By the way, I have no other problems with moods etc.
I think that first: my mind is addicted to a negative thinking. At least one negative thought at the time must be worked on in my head (since I was a little – old bad habit). And also I think that my mind should just get a little bit stupider, in order to not be that attentive/watchful to every little thing. I sometimes cant believe how quickly it can bring up some memory once it’s triggered by something… and that thing just runs though my head in a few seconds and starts to bother me.
Why does my mind just try to destroy everything I like?
That’s what I don’t understand… normal regular people — when something bad happens or when something they hate is recalled in their heads — they simply focus on things they like and bad things are gone… not in my case. I’m even afraid to do anything like that because bad thoughts could be brought next time along with it.
This habit of associating is kind of a new thing — last 2-3 years. Any ideas what I can do / practice etc? Thank you in advance.”
OK, let’s start with the big stuff… the very big info you need for a new mindset and understanding about how your brain works. When you have a better understanding of how it works, you’ll be able to get your mind to work for you.
The big stuff is this: Attention is the volume control for thoughts.
Factors feeding attention in your case are meaning and habit…
An idea you give meaning to has a certain QUALITY, and that quality determines how it affects you subconsciously. For example, you have fear attached to some of these ideas and so you mind will play patterns designed to protect you from real life dangers such as lions. The way your mind responds is the same and can include a fight or flight response (anxiety) plus lots of attention plus very easily made ASSOCIATIONS…
Then, as the dysfunction plays out, you repeat over and over the fearful thoughts, and then they become rapid firing thought habits. You basically get better, smoother and faster at creating the dysfunction.
Attention is the volume control. New associations, new triggers, new thoughts like the original one, more thoughts, building all the time fueled by a dysfunctional biochemistry too… the stress response.
So you can see how easily these problems can happen when we give meaning to ideas that rightly, should have been ignored from square one. It’s easy to get into the kind of mental pickle you’re in.
The idea that negative thoughts need to be battled one at a time is one such idea that can easily create mental hell. If you’d had guidance that attention is the volume control for thoughts, at an early age, you would have nipped this bad idea in the bud. Instead, you spent most of your life ramping it up and creating a bigger and bigger maze of madness. Not your fault.
A negative thought that serves no purpose is to be dropped, not battled. Since attention is the volume control, battling makes it bigger… bigger and brighter in your mind.
As you say, somewhere in your maze of negativity battles, the negative got associated with the positive. This is to be expected as you get faster and better and really master the art of recalling all the bad things that ever happened to you from your past. And as fear thoughts are easily associated, in order to protect you from danger… it’s clear to see how they can easily attach to everything happening now, even stuff you love to do.
And you fear THAT happening. MORE fear to create more hell. Because what you fear you will create, you will notice it everywhere and associate it with everything and you will do this habitually, automatically, with less and less conscious effort. And eventually even less consciousness will be needed, the hell maze will operate entirely without your conscious effort required.
So hell can easily be the outcome of not understanding that attention is the volume control for thoughts. Another piece of big info is that “You have the power of choice, and you choose with your attention.”
You can get out of hell :-) And you do it by choosing attention.
Remove attention and meaning from the unwanted thoughts and they will die away. Removing meaning means removing fear and importance, seeing the thought in a NEW LIGHT, a new way of viewing, because if you keep fearing, you can’t escape. What you fear, you will be reminded of, that’s the way your brain is wired.
So if you fear association, ignore that, laugh at it. By your light-heartedness, you tell your mind “This means nothing to me anymore, you can forget it.”
Whatever enters your mental field that doesn’t feel good… is negative… not wanted… IGNORE. That means remove meaning, remove attention.
Now simply PERSIST to ignore all unwanted things and they will die away. You can’t change years of habits overnight because of all the associations and triggers you’ve unwittingly created. But by simply persisting with the new attitude, every single trigger will be reprogrammed to the new re-direct — to not care, and bring your mind back to what you’re doing.
If you are CLEAR in understanding, and rock solid in application, then these things can be turned around in days, even hours.
You are to DO NOTHING, unless it pops into your mind. NOTHING. Because any problem-making, pondering, battling, fearing, holding down, resisting, regretting, looking to see if it’s still there, anger or frustration that it’s still there, is ATTENTION.
So do nothing. If an unwanted, negative thought pops, have a don’t care attitude and bring attention back to what you’re doing. That’s all you need to do, CONSISTENTLY.
So, if you’re happily cutting, and then a past memory pops, you smile and ignore, then you get a fear flash that it might pollute your loved thing… you smile and ignore. Whatever comes, whenever it comes, you smile and ignore.
This is the simple way to FORGET. And you simply cannot forget what you pay attention to.
Happy Guide has a holistic approach to every problem. So please, also bear in mind that everything affects everything else. For example, a regular meditation habit and learning to “live in the moment” will improve your ability to put your attention where you choose.
And you can’t separate your ability to control your attention from what you eat, whether you sleep well and how many background worries you have. It all matters. To be the best you can be, and do the best you can do, get your whole lifestyle working for you.
All the best Peter.
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Michael Kinnaird is the author of Happy Guide, the result of a 20 year exploration into what works for health and happiness.
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Oh one more thing i wanted to say — that it’s annoying for me when I for example hear some old people loudly breath or something like that — u know some of them just do it really loud (I don’t know why) and then it might get triggered…
I’m sorry for bothering you with this, but you are the first person I felt a change after reading what you said (really even these two days..!
Thank you Mike.
Looking forward to hearing from you,
Peter
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Hi Peter,
Re old people breathing… wow you are tough :-) Same program… ignore. If your awareness is swamped with a thought or perception and you are struggling to pull attention away, then let it be. It’s like you’ve got your trouser belt stuck on a door handle… no point keep pulling against when it’s clearly stuck. So let it be and look directly at the thing in a completely non-reactive way. The mind is fickle and easy bored.
Also, with things you fear or have given importance to, your mind NEEDS you to look before it can let go. “HEY, you said this was important, DANGEROUS so LLOOOOOOKKK!!!” So look, then gently turn away again. Always calm, gentle, no force or resistance.
Mike
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Oh btw my therapist told me this problem is called somatoform vegetative dysfunction … (it sounds correct I looked it into it a bit)…
Thank you,
Peter
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Hey Mike,
I just wanna say thank you for your help — it makes sense and I do what you said already… ;)
I have one more problem though — and I can see that you really know what you are talkin about (my therapist wasn’t apparently familiar with things as you are…)
I have this thing since I’m a little kid — I was 5 and I had this accident — I lost my breath for quite long… and since that time my mind has tendency or I have tendency to think about breathing and try to control it by mind (not that I m literally thinking about it — but its very complicated to describe — the problem is though — that once it gets controlled that way — it’s not that correct and the breath is irregular — after a while of that I start sigh etc…
And my concentration is getting worse etc… it gets triggered differently — usually by a thought about it — it’s like a bad habit or something — only I know is – that when I concentrate really hard on something (some point — watching it like laser) and when I get to some kind of moment after a few secs of hard concentration — it gets kinda turned off — or how to say it — I guess it’s because I was reading somewhere that when you concentrate on something really hard theres only one “slot” in ur brain for one task…
Thats why (I guess when it starts it gets controlled slightly by mind and subconscious (as i said I’m not literally thinking about it but i kinda feel it… problem is though – that it is very annoying, actually nobody knows what to do about it…
I know 100% it has started since that accident.. :( I’m trying to train my concentration etc – It is getting better — but it is slowww…:/
I would need to hear your opinion — what you think — what could I do — tell to myself etc.. (I tried a lot of self-talking , also made some records — sometimes it’s working but I need something that I would 100% know it will work…
The biggest problem with this is a little fear of not having this under control — and then it gets really annoying because I don’t know perfectly how to turn it off when it gets triggered or how to prevent it to be triggered…
It’s with me all my life… :/ (also it sometimes get annoying when I do sport — when breathing gets more frequent — again — once I notice — it gets very annoying as its irregular (kinda feel that I’m directly connected to those lungs )…
I remember there was a moment when I was small but a few years after that accident — I completely forgotten about it – but my idi*tic mum asked me if its ok — so many years after!!!!!!
And then it all came back (I remember that feeling of that moment even now)… :(
Mike what do you think about this?
Again, thank you in advance,
Regards Peter
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Hi Peter,
These problems can so often happen after a trauma, because like intense fear, shock causes the mind to operate in a different way. And then if we don’t understand what’s happening, we give undue meaning, attention and soon habit plays its part. Then we have powerful habits that are deeply rooted.
You’ve become good at paying attention to your breathing, made it a habit, easy to do, without effort.
And you say you fear not having it under control. We already discussed what fear does… you need to do the opposite… “don’t care, ignore.” Because you cannot forget what you fear.
So, Peter, the solution is the same — ignore. And this tells your mind it’s no longer important to you, to forget. That’s what you did when you were little until your mum brought back the memory which triggered it all off again.
And that’s important to remember… habits are like riding a bike, you can always do it once you know how BUT, just don’t get on the bike!
By persisting with re-direction every single time the habit is triggered, you get a NEW powerful habit which effectively bypasses the old one… however big and messy it is.
So you can see how doing all the right things moves you towards forgetting, which is what you want. Ignoring is the thing that works… removing attention and importance and re-directing attention which auto-creates a new habit for all the old triggers.
Attention to breathing does tend to affect it in unnatural ways. The breath happens normally and naturally until you focus on it and then it all goes a bit strange. It’s like asking a centipede how the hell he manages to coordinate his 100 legs. The centipede then trips up :-)
So I don’t recommend focus on breathing for meditation although it’s the most common form for this reason. BUT if you “listen” which is my recommended way, then you become peripherally aware of your breath and it happens naturally. So there you go :-)
Mike
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Can I have one more question? Can you just somehow assure me — or say something positive to me — some advice — it seems that when I’m getting better in handling my problem — my mind is trying to sabotage the effort by dreams — I simply have so weird dreams — about those most hated things — and even now, three days ago — I had this dream about someone from past (hated) and it was interfering with my big hobby… :( Then I simply wake up, so angry and disappointed — because I somehow tend to dwell on such dreams. and all effort in healing is gone for that day :(
It’s not like those usual intrusive thoughts — after a dream like that — it feels like my head is full of it… (it takes usually 1-2 days to erase those negative feelings and start from the scratch again :/ then usually it takes 3-4 days and some very annoying dream shows up again :/
But this last one was very disturbing… Can you advice / say something? (it seems I really take what you say :) I
Is it that my subconscious doesn’t like me resisting and trying to get rid of it and is trying to find out the way how to remind me of that habit??? What should I say to myself — something encouraging cause of the last one :( ?
Thank you so much in advance I really appreciate your help.
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Hi Peter,
Your mind isn’t sabotaging you, it’s simply reminding you of the danger you incorrectly perceived. This mechanism is primitive, not intelligent, and simply works on how you perceive your environment, or a thought — your reaction. Your mind assumes the danger is real so yes, it tries to get your attention! And if you ignore them while awake, they will certainly surface in your dreams. Not sabotage, your mind is trying to protect you.
Also, with perceived danger, thoughts tend to be more dominating, suck your attention in… like… NOTICE ME, YOU ARE IN DANGER, REMEMBER??!! They can be difficult at times to turn away from because they are there to save your life!!
Fear, danger, is the most extreme. But whatever you give importance to, will determine how your subconscious mind handles it.
So… when you ignore what you were previously clear was important, the thoughts will certainly surface in vivid dreams for a while. The answer is the same… see them in a new light, ignore them, and do all this consistently.
Do not try to erase negative feelings. Simply acknowledge them, notice them fully, and turn away. Erasing is attention and so doesn’t work. Be careful about giving subtle forms of attention to this “problem.” To be clear… you are to DO NOTHING unless you become aware of an unwanted thought or feeling, then simply notice it is unwanted and turn away, ignore.
The NEW LIGHT is that “attention is the volume control.” It always was, but now you know it, you are boss and can choose wisely. What you resist, persists, because resistance is attention, what you resist, you give life to.
View these dreams as unimportant and you tell your mind with clarity and consistency… “Seriously, honestly, there IS NO DANGER, you can relax :-)”
Same program… Have a don’t care attitude and turn away from unwanted thoughts, even ones that come in your dreams… ignore. Do it consistently.
Mike
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Thank you so much!! This is the write-up I was looking for! :) Thank you again…
May I ask you one more thing — how long time do you think it might take — just any idea — if I will be really keen in practicing what you said ?? Month? Two ? 6? Or years?:) (It’s funny because people are usually reminded to think — I must do the opposite — do not think… :)
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Hi Peter,
Judging by what I imagine to be average… if you’re REALLY keen… days. How long does it take for you to drive on the other side of the road in another country? If you are absolutely CLEAR and COMMITTED and SOLID (like you would be driving on the other side), then it could take around the same time to shake this, ~ Mike
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